Vaudevillain

Dr. Zlo's Christmas Caper! - 1

"It was the night before Christmas," Dr. Zlo started.

"Dude, it's like three weeks before Christmas," Riptide said.

The villainous mastermind whipped around, thrusting his cane toward Riptide's chest. "Silence! You think I don't know to the second when that vile holiday starts? No, I'm perfectly aware of the timeframe."

Riptide leaned back on his hovering surfboard. "Then why?"

"Because it adds ambiance, my dastardly companion! I can't start a tirade against Christmas without setting up the proper mood."

"Oh, right on," Riptide nodded.

Dr. Zlo gave his villainous teammate the side eye before shaking his head. "Now, where was I?"

"The night before Christmas, boss," Cass said.

"Thank you Cass. Now! No more interruptions!"

Dr. Zlo looked around the room, eyebrows raised as if daring anyone to speak. The Jacques around the room all zipped their mouths shut, despite not having mouths in the first place. They meandered around Dr. Zlo's secret underground laboratory, pushing past each other and jostling a few stray test tubes. None of them were filled with anything dangerous, at least not at the moment. Dr. Zlo couldn't afford any distractions, and a Jacques knocking over a vial of expanding slime made a grand one.

Cass stood dutifully next to Dr. Zlo, ever the loyal butler. Mabel rested a bit further away, using one of the Lugs as a chair. Dr. Zlo's two oldest minions glanced at each other, both hoping to rat the other out for extra points with the boss. Quartet wasn't around to make it easy for them.

Seeing that no one else wanted to speak up, Dr. Zlo started. "It was the night before Christmas, and all through the town, not a super was stirring, except for one with renown!"

The villain twirled, his cane flashing to provide more ambiance. "Yes! It will be I, Dr. Zlo! For you see, too long has Christmas stood as a bastion of niceness, joy, and tranquility! The masses everywhere celebrate the holiday, shoving propaganda down those poor future villains! Children everywhere are deceived into thinking the world is a nice place! That it's not a place where others will trod on you because they can't see that someone with vision should stood stand atop the world!"

"Don't forget the coal, dude," Riptide chimed in.

"Oh, don't get me started on the coal!" Dr. Zlo lamented. "A so-called punishment for naughty children. I could think of a million and one better punishments!"

"So, what are we going to do about it, boss?" Cass questioned.

"It's simple, Cass!" Dr. Zlo exclaimed with a thrust of his cane. "We will supplant Christmas with a new holiday! One that better befits those with vision and grace! I call it, Zlomas!"

Dr. Zlo spun once more, pointing his cane toward a wall. He stood for a moment before clearing his throat and jerking his head at nearby Jacques. The minions jumped, realizing that was their cue.

After a short scramble involving no less than two collisions with a fellow minion, the Jacques wheeled over a whiteboard filled to the brim with technical drawings.

"This!" Dr. Zlo walked over and slapped the whiteboard with his cane, "is the plan!"

Riptide smiled and lazily surfed to the board. "Dude, how long did you spend drawing this?"

Dr. Zlo scoffed. "And sully my fine clothes? No, I had Brunhilde take notes while I explained. Now, gather round."

The minions moved closer.

"Right," Dr. Zlo said. "The first step of the plan is this. We take control of a toy factory in the city. Preferably one that makes action figures, but I'm willing to settle for any doll. Once we're in control, we shall have the workers create this!"

Dr. Zlo spun the whiteboard around, revealing an action figure of himself.

"Haha, dude that's awesome!" Riptide said.

"Quite," Dr. Zlo nodded. "What you see before you is my newest invention! An action figure of the greatest criminal mastermind, complete with a working hatbot and cane! All the children will want one! And once my likeness is in every home across the world, I will activate the secret mind control device hidden inside! As soon as the kids open their new present, they will be convinced that naughty is actually nice! And then, no longer will Christmas be known as a holiday of cheer and goodwill, it will forever be a time of crime and villainy!"

"Great idea, boss!" Cass brownnosed.

"And once Christmas is out of the way," Dr. Zlo continued. "I'll be free to supplant it with my own holiday. Zlomas will become entrenched in the minds of every child! All will worship the great Dr. Zlo and beg for me to rule the world! Muahahahaha!"

"Wait, dude," Riptide said. "How are you going to get everyone to make Zlomas a holiday?"

"With the children, of course!" Dr. Zlo said. "Parents would do anything for their precocious brats if said brats whine loudly enough."

"Sweet," Riptide said. "Do you think you can add a bit where I surf around giving weapons to all the evil boys and girls?"

"I don't see why not," Dr. Zlo said. "And we can make Sweet Dream the patron saint of gorging on candy."

"Nah, she's more of a Halloween gal," Riptide answered.

"Her loss," Dr. Zlo said. "Now, Cass! Prepare the Zlomobile! We have a factory to supplant!"

"You got it, boss!" Cass saluted.

"Excellent! If you need me, I'll be in the other room completing the plans for my action figure!"

Dr. Zlo sauntered out of the room, leaving the rest.

"Lord wonders why he doesn't build a toy factory in his lab," Mabel said with a sip of tea.

The Jacques all nodded.

"Dude, you heard him," Riptide said. "It's all about the ambiance."

Mabel shrugged.

There was one order of business after Cass finished packing the Zlomobile, and that was selecting the city to travel to.

"It should be somewhere south," Dr. Zlo said. "We can't have the hero of Christmas catching wind of our plans."

"Who?" Riptide asked.

"That no good Saint Nicholas of course!" Dr. Zlo spat. "Why do you think Christmas has stayed the way it has all these years? It's because of that 'righteous' saint and his team of elves!"

"It doesn't really matter where we go, does it Hon?" Mabel asked. "We just need a factory with lots of output."

"In that case, boss," Cass pointed to an island city south of the continent, "why not this one?"

"Hmm, Port Fragrant?" Dr. Zlo mused.

Cass nodded. "It's a lot like Haven, but with even more capitalism."

"Meaning no one would bat an eye at a hostile takeover" Dr. Zlo mused. "Yes, it's perfect! Great work, Cass!"

Cass looked sheepish. "It was nothing, Boss."

"Right then!" Dr. Zlo said. "Onward to Port Fragrant!"

The villain jumped into the Zlomobile, Riptide, Cass and Mabel all piling in after. The Jacques milling about waved at Dr. Zlo, wishing him well on his new caper.

"Soon, the Christmas holiday will be mine!" Dr. Zlo cackled.

The villain pressed a panel on his dashboard, bringing up the world map and zooming to Port Fragrant.

"Teleporter go!" the villain said, pressing a nearby raised button.

The Zlomobile blinked out of existence, a popping noise the only indication it had been in the garage. It arrived with the same popping noise on the outskirts of Port Fragrant.