Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter 243: The Stars and Bars: Adventures in MAGA Space Continue

"Heyaw!" A burly man wearing ornate cowboy boots and sporting a huge holographic eagle tattoo. "Herz ta da nastiest pack of innies t' ha' ever nuked a Brandon!"

"Wheeewwwwww!" the crowded bar yelled as everyone raised their drinks, either a mug filled with beer or a slightly smaller one filled with an odd shimmery clear liquid.

Sheloran smiled and drank her mug of "void gin". She liked void gin very much! It was beyond yummy!

She turned to Jessie.

"Isn't 'innie' a bad word?"

"Nah," Jessie grinned as she wiped some foam from her face. "They said 'innie' not 'inner'. That hard 'r' makes a LOT of difference. If dey callin' yew an innie, they are asking you to share a drink. Dey call you an inner, an it's an invite to punch them in the face."

Sheloran shrugged and had some more yummy void gin. Seriously, that was some good stuff.

"But you're cool either way," Jessie yelled over the throng as bluegrass-flavored EDM started blasting. "You're a 'zenner'. You guys are cool by default. Any zenners that come out this far are usually up to the right sorts of no good. I think there's even an enclave of Korst a few miles from here."

Sheloran dipped a fried chicken strip into a strange yellow sauce, which was also yummy.

"How big is this place?"

"Fifteen miles long and another three across," Jessie replied.

"Miles?"

"They measure things in 'Merican here," Jessie grinned. "It's about… Bunny?"

"24.14 kilometers long," Bunny replied over Jessie's communicator, "and 4.82 kilometers across. But that's the interior habitable space. The actual station is a bit larger, believe it or not. Bannon's surface is over one hundred and forty square miles… or 366 square kilometers if you are a filthy inner."

"I knew it was huge!" Sheloran replied.

"It's one of the largest," Jessie said happily. "It's because it's so old. Bannon was built back when they were still in the inner asteroid belt…"

She grinned impishly and leaned towards a rugged, if slightly odd-looking blonde, bearded man who had been hanging around Jessie since they got there. (and was the source of both hers and Sheloran's unending stream of drinks)

"...you know… when they were inners themselves!"

"Watch it!" a blonde, bearded man laughed. "At leas'we ha'tha sense ta git outa tha'sheet!..."

He elbowed Jessie.

"An' so did yew!" He smiled.

"We're still in gravity all the time," Jessie laughed as she sparkled her eyes at him and sipped her beer.

"Yeah, but tha' artificial stef ain't da same!" he shouted over the music. "Dat's why yew spacers aren't all retarded!"

"Or mebbe yew hicks r'jes' fulla sheet?" Jessie asked as she got a little closer to him. "Mebbe people on Terra aren't 'retarded’ either?"

The man laughed.

"Yew wach der news?"

Jessie punched him in the arm as they both laughed.

The song ended, and a very heavy EDM version of "Devil Went Down to Georgia" started to play to the cheers of the bar.

"Ah LUV this song!" Jessie shouted.

"Wannadance?" the man asked.

"Wooooo!" Jessie shouted as she grabbed the guy and dragged him towards the dance floor.

Sheloran sighed a little wistfully and sipped her gin. She was fairly certain that she would see neither of them again, or at least not until morning.

She ate her chicken strips and looked for her friends. Most of the crew were all hanging out around Gloria, the guest of honor, where the majority of free booze and food was. T'sunk'al was holding his own strange court not that far away from them, where he was sipping mint-infused sweet tea and offering insights into hyperspace that made her brain itch.

The crowd and the noise were starting to get to her a little, and she had gotten accidentally bumped one time too many, so she made for the 'smoking patio' out behind the bar hoping she could at least get some space and some air without actually wandering too far.

As she opened the doors, she gasped.

It was… beautiful!

The 'patio' was, in fact, a surprisingly large garden filled with plants of all sorts! There were flowers, vines, shrubs… even trees!

And the ground was even dirt, actual dirt!

Sighing happily, she wandered into her newfound paradise. A breeze, an actual breeze, blew past, and she looked up at the "twilight" that the station was now slipping into.

It was hard to believe that this was a space station at all.

It looked… real…

She wandered into the small oasis of the soul and gazed lovingly at a flower-laden bush. She had never seen it before.

"Azalea," a voice said behind her.

She turned to see a short human male with big ears startlingly close to her.

"What?" she asked.

"It is an Azalea," the man said with a smile. "You probably haven't seen one before."

"I haven't," Sheloran replied.

"They say you can still find them in Asia," the man said as he pulled out a vape from his green coveralls, "here and there, but they used to be all over 'Merica before Yellowstone.

"They are beautiful," Sheloran sighed. "Engineered?"

"Nope," the guy replied, "That's how God gave them to us… after centuries of selective breeding, of course," he added with a chuckle.

He extended his hand.

"I'm Dwight," he said with a smile.

"Sheloran," she replied as she shook his hand.

"It's a pity you aren't here for the Camellias," he said, gesturing to some small trees. "Now those are a sight."

He drew on the vape and exhaled a cloud of white mist.

"I'd offer you some, but..."

"Oh, it's definitely ok," Sheloran laughed. "What is it?"

"My own special blend," he smiled as his pupils dilated. "Nicotine and Salvia Divinorum… mostly."

“Salvia Divinorum?” Sheloran asked.

"It takes the edge off," he smiled.

"Well, I like what it does to your eyes," she chuckled. "What about the 'mostly'?"

He grinned.

"Let's just say that being a horticulturist has its benefits," he smiled.

"You're a horticulturist?!?" Sheloran exclaimed.

"Yep," he said proudly, "Dwight Martin, Martin Pocket Paradises," he said as he gave Sheloran a datacard with his homely face grinning proudly on it surrounded by flowering plants. "I run a nursery outside of town as well as do these little mini-green spaces for places around the station. I also am one of the contractors for the big verticals tailward."

"Verticals?"

"The big vertical farm complexes we have aft," he smiled. "Like most of us greenies, that's where I got my start. I still have standing there and get called in for problems or big projects. These days I pretty much do my own thing, though."

"Are the vertical farms where they have plants everywhere?" Sheloran asked excitedly. "I was in one of those once! It was wonderful!"

"Really?" Dwight asked as he drew on his vape again. "I hear they have them… um… inward… Where?"

"Oh, it was when I was in… um..."

Sheloran's voice trailed off. She REALLY didn't want to tell Dwight about Tartarus.

Dwight just looked at her curiously.

"I was..." she stammered, "Well… It was in…"

"The Tartarus Detention Facility?" Dwight asked pleasantly, "I wondered if they had a p-farm in there."

"H-how did you know?" Sheloran asked, stricken.

"You are a blue-skinned amphibboid named 'Sheloran'," Dwight replied with a shrug. "And you're running with those guys inside, right?"

Sheloran nodded.

"Then you would be the singing killfrog who chopped up those Harkoob," Dwight said nonchalantly. "Some of the SWAT guys were talking about you guys before you showed up. They say that you are all like super pirates and monsters and stuff. I overheard while I was checking the PH of the mini-boxes over there." he said, pointing at what Sheloran had just assumed were walls. "They were really excited that you guys were coming. They said that you guys were really sticking it to the Feds."

"The Feds?" Sheloran asked, completely confused.

"Oh, sorry," Dwight chuckled. "The Terrans. We call them the Feds. It's an old MAGA word."

"What do you call the Federation, then?"

"The Feds," Dwight laughed. "Duh. They are really all the same, anyhow, big government telling little people how to live their lives. The deep state is the deep state regardless of what it calls itself this week. Wouldn't surprise me if all of them are actually the same group at the top."

"I'm pretty sure they aren't," Sheloran replied.

"But are you sure about that?" Dwight asked. "Hey, you want to see inside one of these mini's?"

He pointed at one of the "wall segments" surrounding the little backyard garden.

"Oh, that would be nice!" Sheloran replied happily.

***

Eno sat near Gloria, eating a bowl of red beans and rice, greens, and a side of cornbread.

He smiled. That was one thing about these assholes. They had not only had real rice but really good rice.

He had another spoonful.

Amazing.

He washed it down with more of the beer… real beer. Oh, Terra had plenty of "real" beer, some of it even better than what he was drinking, but it was a premium product, not something they were just setting out by the pitcher.

If it wasn't for the people, he would move out…

He set down his mug.

He was being stared at again.

He looked up.

"Hi." a pretty brunette with a button nose and freckles said. "U're black!"

"I was last time I checked," he replied with a sigh. "My name's Eno."

"I'mLiciaMae!" she said cheerfully, "U're really black!"

"An astute observation," he said wearily.

"I'ne'er seen a black man before!" she exclaimed. "Ru from Africa?"

"Coincidentally," he replied, "Yes. I am, in fact, from Africa."

"Sewkool!" she replied. "D'ya hav Ellaphants 'n lions' n stuff?"

"A few survived," Eno replied, "and we have been repopulating the missing species. Things are recovering nicely."

"Kewl!" she exclaimed. "Wow! Ur really black! Like black black! Like the void… And ur hair! KinItechit?"

“(sigh)… sure.”

"Owow!" LiciaMae exclaimed as she rubbed Eno's head. "Datis sew weird!"

"I can't be the only person with African features you have seen," Eno sighed as he drank his beer.

He noticed more people, mostly women, drawing closer.

This happened last time as well.

"Yeh," LiciaMae replied, "but dey'wer sorta black, like coffeencream or mebbelike chocolate…"

She looked at him with big, sparkling eyes.

"Bet yew pure black, like void black..."

She blushed.

"Itzreallypretty..." she said as she stared at him.

"Thanks," Eno replied.

"Is it true..." LiciaMae asked wickedly, "About… you know..."

"I wouldn't know," Eno replied a bit frostily. "I don't make it a habit to check other men."

"I could chekferya!" LiciaMae giggled.

" LiciaMae!" a woman who looked entirely too similar to her yelled as she rushed up and grabbed her.

"Imsosorri!" the slightly older LiciaMae copy exclaimed. "She gits like ds when she drankin'."

"Lemme geeewww!" LiciaMae shouted as she struggled. "Dis is mi whun chance to trisum BBC!"

"Ohgawd!!!" older LiciaMae yelled as she forcefully dragged her younger clone away. "Sorri… Sorri..."

"Noooooo!" LiciaMae howled as she was hauled away by two LiciaMae look-alikes. "I want his pretty chocolate babies!!! Nooooooo!"

Eno sighed, shook his head, and took another drink of beer…

Just as someone else sat down beside him.

"Hi!" a pretty blonde in Daisy Dukes and a rebel-flag crop top said as she smiled at him…

***

Sheila was sitting with Gloria and some of their newfound friends watching people line dance to trance-country while Gloria was giving an impromptu lecture to several of Bannon's fighter pilots, all of whom were gazing up at her with huge adoring eyes.

She sipped her void-gin gimlet (made with real lime juice!) and looked around the bar.

They were missing a few people.

"Hey, Bunny," she asked as she pulled out her communicator.

"Yeah, boss."

"What happened to Eno?"

"What do you think?"

"Do we need to send a rescue team?" Sheila laughed.

"He seems to be just fine," Bunny laughed. "He left his phone out. Want a video feed?"

"No thanks!" Sheila snorted. "What about Jacob?"

"He left with someone older than you are!"

"Thank God for that!" Sheila snorted, "And fuck you… Oh shit," Sheila snickered, "What about Sheloran?"

"Oh, she split a while ago," Bunny replied. "She's actually the furthest afield."

"Where did she go?"

"Looks like a plant nursery just outside of town. She's with someone that might actually be her type."

"No shit, really?"

"Well, he kinda looks like a frog," Bunny laughed. "You know the genetics here. They are either really pretty… or they really aren't..."

"Well, good for her… maybe…" Sheila shrugged.

"I think he might be into her," Bunny said, "but right now, all they are doing is talking about plants… a lot…"

"Oh, God!" Sheila exclaimed. "Where's Jessie?"

"Oh, she left with a slab of local beef. They are having pre-coitus dinner as we speak about five blocks away. Looks like a good place. I'll bookmark it."

"Well, keep an eye on everybody," Sheila replied.

"Do I have to?" Bunny asked with a laugh, "It's about to get freaky."

"At least keep an ear on them," Sheila laughed.

"What about you, boss?" Bunny inquired. "Tall, dark, and horny over there has been checking you out nonstop. He's about your speed."

"Really?" Sheila asked, "Where?"

"The SWAT captain with the pistol in his belt buckle."

"That mall ninja?" Sheila snarked, "Pretty, but I can't get over the belt. Who else do you got?"

"How about the ginger at four o'clock? He's into you, big time."

"Hmm… He'll do," Sheila smiled as she polished off her gimlet. "Cover me. I'm going in..."

***

"Which whunayew izda wife?" a guy asked Harval, the builder of Gloria's ship, and his husband a few tables over.

"Neither of us," Harval laughed. "If I wanted a wife, then I'd be straight."

"Yewnowhut I mean," the man replied, "Which whunaya pitches and which whun catches?"

"Excuse me?" Harval laughed. "That's a bit personal, don't you think?"

"I'm jes' tryin' to figguredis out," the man replied.

"It's not that complicated," Gary, Harval's husband, and an electrical engineer, replied.

"Yeah," the guy replied, "but..."

Harval chuckled as he drank. Of all the things to consider 'exotic,' he hadn't expected something as boring as his sexual orientation to be of note.

"Ain'cha afraid of going to Hell?" the man asked.

"Constantly," Gary replied, "but of all the things I may or may not burn for, my marriage is the least of my concerns."

"Bhut daBible says..."

"The Bible says a lot of things," Harval replied with a shrug. "Are you following each and every word of that book?"

"I try to… Ah mean… I..."

"And aren't all 'sins' equal in the eyes of the Lord," Harval inquired.

"Ah mean… yeah… bhut..."

"So even if what we do upon occasion is a 'sin'," Harval replied, "It's no different than any other sin that we all commit on a daily basis, right?"

"Technically… yeah… bhut..."

"So we just say we're sorry, and we aren't going to do it again when we say our prayers," Harval grinned. "just like any other sin. Jesus knows we're fibbing, just like everyone else, but he lets us off the hook, just like everyone else… same as you… just with different sins... which are all equal under the eyes of the Lord, of course..."

The guy looked at them in utter bewilderment.

"I… um… excuse me..."

The guy left in a hurry, never to return.

Harval heard laughter and turned to see two men in SWAT t-shirts laughing.

They both raised a mug in salute.

Harval and Gary smiled and raised their glasses as well.

***

Sheloran was in heaven.

She wandered through the rows of neatly tended plants, hundreds of different varieties.

"There are so many!"

"I try to keep a good stock," Dwight said proudly. "A lot of these aren't on Terra anymore, you know… after Yellowstone."

"Nobody has gotten any samples?"

"Oh, plenty of prospectors have come out here," Dwight replied, "but I'm not sure if they have everything. We gathered a lot of plants from Terra over the centuries. Even we don't know everything that is hiding out in somebody's garden, especially out in some of the O'Neil farms. Some of those people don't come in from the cold ever."

"We're heading to one of those tomorrow," Sheloran replied. "Jessie knows someone on one of them."

"Tomorrow?" Dwight asked, clearly disappointed.

"Yeah," Sheloran replied, a bit disappointed herself.

"I was hoping I could show you the big verticals," Dwight said a bit glumly, "If you think a little vertical like that prison had was impressive, you should see what this place has. We turn out tons of produce every day, all sorts of stuff!"

"Oh, that would be wonderful," Sheloran replied. “I… um… I mean, I'm leaving the crew once we make it to where we're going… and after I take care of a few things I still have to do... I could… I mean if you wouldn't mind… I could come back?"

"That would be great!" Dwight replied. "I would love to show you around Bannon! There's over one hundred and forty square miles of it! We have towns, fields, farms… A wonderful forest…"

"I could really use a break before I..."

Sheloran paused.

"Before I get back..." she said with a little sigh. "...so much I have to do..."

"Well, take one!" Dwight replied cheerfully. "If you like plants, Bannon is amazing! You could stay here!… um… I mean you could stay with my sister… or my parents… They'd be happy to have you!"

"I'd… I'd like that," Sheloran replied, blushing slightly.

Dwight grinned, blushing a little bit himself.

***

Late the next morning, Sheila, a bit dazed from a night of debauchery, wandered into The Paper Tiger.

"Everybody make it back?" she asked into the air. "Do we need to post bail or put together a rescue team?"

"Eno and Greg are still not here," Bunny replied. "Eno is being fed breakfast by the gene hunter who 'captured' him, and Greg is still asleep."

"Greg?" Sheila asked. "What did that old war horse get into?"

"An old war horse," Bunny laughed, "You know that amazon with the guns?"

"No shit?" Sheila laughed. "Well, good for him!"

"You are going to get blindsided in the morning meeting," Bunny snickered, "After last night, everyone wants a few days R&R."

Sheila's phone chirped.

There was a message from TerryAllen, her new "friend".

"You know what," Sheila smiled, "Maybe that's not a bad idea..."