Only Villains Do That

4.15 In Which the Dark Lord is Thwarted

Lets not overreact, Aster urged. It was a snowball. If thats the worst thing anybody wants to do to you, youve made an unusually positive impression.

Biribo? I demanded.

She sighed, but obligingly positioned herself such that Biribo could poke his head out of his pocket nest in her coat and remain hidden from view by both our bodies.

He did so, flicking his tongue out at me. It was Hadder, the groom from the paddock back there. Yknow, the guy you trapped with Highlord Whatsit and made the focus of a very tense public display? He ducked around the corner of that shed just over there. Go easy on the guy, boss, it was a good hit! Dudes got an arm on him.

My anger had already begun to fade by the time he started talking; I had so many much bigger things to be angry about, and after all, it was just a snowball. At Biribos answer, though, the flames of rage were momentarily stifled by sheer surprise. Only momentarily. Then, they came back with a vengeance.

Hadder? The lowborn? The guy working himself to the bone and shivering in the snow without a coat, on whose behalf I had just thrown down with his oppressor? That Hadder had seen fit to

Oh, showtime was on.

You couldve warned me, I complained.

Not without giving away the whole game, he replied solemnly. I didnt figure a snowball was worth it. Also, that was objectively hilarious. Oh, and congrats, boss, you unlocked a new Wisdom perk.

I had already turned and taken a step toward the shed hed indicated, keeping a wary eye for anyone trying to creep away to either side. Now, I had to turn my attention back to my familiar.

Oh? Whats that?

His little triangular face was inscrutable as always, but still I couldve sworn he was grinning. Now keep in mind its not absolute control; the effect will vary based on the circumstances, the effort you put into it and the willpower of those subjected to it. And it wont kick in if you just open your mouth and spill out noises. But, so long as youre making an actual speech, a presentation backed by your skill at oratory and with some real intent behind it, the effect will make people strongly inclined to stop what theyre doing and pay attention to you. Congratulations, boss, you have gained the true power of the villainous monologue.

Wow, Aster commented, that ones actually on brand, huh? I was starting to think these Wisdom perks would end up being more or less random or situational.

Hm. Hmmm. Okay, this news did indeed make me feel better. Aster was right, this played very conveniently into my established aptitudes; I could get some real mileage out of this one. Thanks, Virya. Id have to find time to celebrate properly later.

But first, to business.

Cool, I said aloud. Aster, you go around the other side of the shed and flank him. Make sure he doesnt skitter off.

Im not doing that, she said bluntly, folding her arms. Come on, Lord Seiji. In the worst case this does not call for actual tactics. To be honest, I really suggest you let it go. A snowballs not worth picking a fight over.

What do you take me for? Im not going to fight him.

Then why is your sword out?

Come on, Aster, why do I do anything? I countered, turning and striding toward the shed. Dramatic effect.

Feet are unmistakably loud in the snow, and I was moving for speed rather than subtlety, since I couldnt count on my traitorous right hand to indulge my petty vendettas. Naturally, my quarry heard me coming and tried to run for it.

Hey, Hadder!

He froze mid-step, shoulders hunching, and slowly lowered his upraised foot back to the ground. There was the social hierarchy of this wretched country at work. Foreign or not, even explicitly out of favor with his liege, a lord was not something you could ignore or walk away from. A little twinge in the back of my mind hinted that me leveraging that in this manner wasnt a great look, but I was too pissed off to stop now.

Hows the boy doing? I asked, putting on a smile that was just a smidge too broad to be believable. I mean, youre over here rather than brooding at the paddock, so I gather Thunder must be well on the mend.

Ah. Yes, my lord, Hadder said warily. Were all extremely grateful to you, my lord. His leg seems all but perfect. He ought to be fine as the spring, until the next fool thing he does to himself.

Well, thats a relief. I came to a stop next to him, idly tapping the rapier blade against my boot. His eyes flicked nervously down to it and back to my face, and he belatedly folded down his hands at me. So, whats with the artillery?

He didnt turn that grayish color lowborn did when going pale, but only because he already somewhat was due to the cold. Ahyour pardon, my lord, the what?

The snowball. I allowed my smile to fade by several deliberate degrees.

I Hadder swallowed heavily. Im not sure what you

Right, because I was looking the other way and didnt see it coming, you assume I dont know who did it. Its clear you havent had to deal with a lot of sorcerers, buddy. Youve made some unwarranted assumptions concerning what we can or cannot do.

He inhaled deeply, his breath quivering through some combination of fear and cold. My lord, please

Relax, I ordered, dropping the smile entirely. He didnt, but I wasnt going to fault the disobedience becauseI mean, obviously. Its not as if your Highlord is going to listen to any complaints from me, and I hope you dont think Im petty enough to stab you over a thing like that. Wait, never mind, the local highborn are exactly that petty, arent they? Then no, Hadder, you are not in danger here. I would just like to know why.

I leaned forward, forcing the smile back into place, and he subtly leaned away to a matching degree.

What gives, man? I thought we were pals. We were bonding over how cool horses are and how fucked up it is that they get treated better than you.

What? he burst out, then clamped his lips together.

Go on, thats a start, I encouraged. Lets hear your thoughts. Would it help if I made it an order?

I could see the guy cycling through emotions; that alternating sequence of anger and fear was so uncomfortably familiar it was easily recognizable to me despite his efforts to keep it contained.

Lord Seiji, Aster began in a concerned tone.

Highlord Lhadron is a great man! Hadder suddenly burst out, finding his gumption just before she could rescue him. And who are you? Where do you get off coming to Clan Ardyllens own lands andand He didnt deserve that!

I could only stare at him, a howling void of disbelief taking the place of my outrage of a moment ago. excuse me? Are you on Look at yourself, man! Youre half-starved and shivering, and whose fault is that?

Hes cornered by a crazy man with a sword, Aster pointed out. Theres some fault in several directions, there.

You have no call to humiliate the Highlord in front of his peers, you Who are you to say how a fief should be run? Im proud to serve Clan Ardyllen, and a man who shows such care for his familys legacy and our horses!

He finally broke off at the noise of me raking my sword against the side of the shed next to us. Funny, I didnt recall deciding to do that. I had little thought to spare for it, though; the fury had come back during his last sentence, stronger than before, and I was finding it harder than usual to ride that wave with my usual control. Maybe that production Id put on for the nobles a minute ago had drained my batteries.

So thats what youre into, huh, I said quietly. A man abuses and deprives you, treats you with nothing but contempt, and youre so in love with him that youd bare your teeth at somebody who just points out that thats what he did. A dog has more pride. If you love getting kicked around so much, I can very well

That will do, Lord Seiji.

Getting snuck up on this time was my own fault, Id been distracted and barely conscious of my surroundings. To the point that it even now took some effort to tear my attention from the new object of my ire and turn to glare at Lord Ruell, who had stepped up to us while I was focused on Hadder. His fox friend was lurking impassively behind him, her eyes darting between me and Aster.

Ruell also had a naked rapier in his hand, and no trace of his previous joviality in his expression.

Welcome to the conversation, I snapped. I guess I cant say this party is by invitation only, happening out in the field like this. To bring you up to speed, Ruell, this guy is a dickhead and I am in the midst of explaining this fact to him.

Yes, I heard, the elf replied. Well and good, old boy, I confess Im rather inclined to take your side on the philosophical question at hand. You brandishing a sword at the chap is another matter. If you must oppose a man whose ideas challenge your own, Lord Seiji, meet him on grounds that give him a sporting chance. In this case, that means words, or snowballs, eh? Raising sword or spell to a man who can use neither is shameful.

For just a second, I was powerfully tempted to swivel my full attention to Ruellalong with a Windburst, since he wanted to bring spells into this. Where did he get off

And that snapped me out of it.

What the hell was I even doing? Hadder was clearly a high-spec ludicrous assclown who deserved the most scathing dressing-down I could deliver. But that wasnt what I was giving him. I looked down at my sword, and the scratch it had raked in the akorthist planks of the nearby shed wall. At Hadder, clearly terrified for his life and held upright mostly by sheer outrage. That waspainfully relatable.

The whole time on Dount, it seemed like Id been dealing exclusively with assholes who had too much power, who werent used to facing anyone who would and could stand up to them. It wasnot comfortable, finding myself on the other end of that dynamic. Usually when I backed up people who needed help, they were grateful. What the fuck was this guys problem?!

But he was some guy who worked with horses and had an unreasonable attachment to his abusive, neglectful liege lord. He wasnt a murderer, or rapist, or Void witch. Justsome guy.

You know what, I said, having to exert some real effort to keep my voice even, you are entirely correct. I ampretty embarrassed at having needed the reminder.

In a careful motion, I sheathed my sword. Yeahembarrassment was not something I dealt with often, these days. For some reason I was finding it harder to sublimate into showtime than anger.

And when I think about it further, it turns out I dont have the patience to have this argument properly. Here. I dipped a hand into my inner coat pocketwhich Id had to have specially sewn because it wasnt fashionable for Fflyr noblemen to be able to carry stuffand pulled out a gold halo, which I tossed to Hadder. Go buy yourself a damn coat, for fucks sake. Andwhatever else.

Now that I was more familiar with the asinine currency on this world, I had come to be aware of just how badly I had over-bribed Captain Norovena on our first meeting. In hindsight I still considered it money well spent, given the level of cooperation Id gotten from him ever since, but still. A gold halo was not a small amount of money, as evidenced by the way Hadder was suddenly gibbering.

My lord, I cantthis isnt

Just go, please, I said quietly.

He tensed up, then folded down his hands at mea bit awkwardly, given the coin still clutched in oneand turned to scurry off.

And Hadder.

He froze again, mid-step.

It occurs to me, belatedly, I said at his back, that the highborn youre accustomed to probably have no idea what a working mans life is like. They dont imagine that someone like you could possibly have any pride and cant comprehend the inherent condescension of tossing money at somebody. I just want to make it clear that this is deliberate in every nuance. I want you to have something for your trouble, for my bad behavior and because you clearly need it And also, screw you, idiot.

Slowly, he turned his head to peek at me over one shoulder.

I was too emotionally tired to even fake a smile anymore. Thats all. Resume fucking off, please.

So off he fucked, while the fucking was good. Putting some distance between himself and the unpredictable rich sorcerer was probably the wisest thing hed done today.

Ingrate, I muttered.

Quite so, eh? Ruell sheathed his own sword, again grinning in that casual way of his which made me realize that this dude was very adept at showtime. God, I hoped this didnt turn into another Lady Gray or Jadrak situation. So far, everybody Id met who was a decent match for my own skills had been nothing but trouble. I do say, Lord Seiji, youve quite a knack for maneuvering on the fly. That was all very well executed! Right up till the end, there. And were none of us entirely at our best when confronted by the unexpected, eh?

Aster, I murmured, remind me to listen to you more often.

You wouldnt listen to that if I did, she replied, folding her arms but smiling faintly. Dont worry, Ill clock you one if you ever actually go too far. I was getting close just then.

Id hope so. Its in your contract and everything.

That sounds ratherother than standard for the local Kings Guild, eh? Ruell commented, glancing back and forth between us. If youll pardon my outthrust opinion, ol chap, I think I see where you went wrong back there. Tell me, what do you make of the fact that these folk havent risen in revolt, given their conditions?

I mean I gestured vaguely at the village. We were a bit of a distance away, but people could be seen moving between the buildings. Look at em. These people are too hungry and cold and beaten down to even think about that.

Sure, makes sense as far as it goes, Ruell agreed with a casual shrug. Rather hard to square with the reality of a chap who has the gumption to huck a snowball at a powerful sorcerer, though, eh?

I hesitated, considering. He wasnt without a point.

Very well, what do you make of it, then?

Thats the thing about ruddy blaggards like that Lhadron and his ilk, yknow. One can only hope theyre inept enough to try ruling by nothing but fear and force, and that hope is usually forlorn. And even those who are so bloody stupid often enough answer to someone more competent who restrains their worst impulses. Keeping people in line on a large scale while squeezing them for every last drop theyre worth requires additional technique. The tricks fairly simple but dashedly tricky to counterone just has to get em to identify with their own oppressors. Its easier to do if theyre deprived of any other source of purpose or allegiance. If done right, the victims will fight to keep themselves in chains, like as not. Same reason one oughtnt be hasty to intervene when a buggers beating his own wife; half the time shell turn on her would-be rescuer with claws out. And, its the reason one can rarely goad a populace to rise up with just a stirring speech.

I genuinely couldnt come up with an answer to that off the cuff, just staring at him while I absorbed the insight. Hewell, I wasnt sure how accurate all that was, but it very much seemed that he wasnt wrong. And thatthat was a problem. I was just a fuckin Dark Lord, here, all I had to work with was violence and propaganda. If that wasnt going to work in every case Damn it, nobody told me I needed to hire aa sociologist!

Thats quite the dose of perspective, I finally said aloud. You sound pretty well-versed in this stuff, Lord Ruell.

Not from firsthand practice, I am relieved to say, he replied with a wry little half-smile, which immediately faded. But plenty of observation. Itsif not the oldest trick in the book, a chapter one staple of a very early edition. In Lancor its wall-to-wall chivalry, tradition, and patriotismvery handy for keeping the peasants in line, eh? The Emperor, bless him, seems to do his best for his people in good faith, but the same cannot be said of all the Houses.

Having an Emperor in charge who enforces even a thin veneer of justice has to help. I glanced back at the village again; Hadder had long since vanished from view. Coaxing the barest scraps of virtue out the highborn is going to be a lot more complicated if their subjects actually defend them. Fucking hell

I know you care about people, Lord Seiji, Aster said quietly. I know you were just putting on a show for those nobles, talking to them in a language theyd understand. But nobody else here knows that. What Hadder and the other grooms heard was you making a big, grandiose speech whose central thesis was that they are basically livestock and their persecution is just mismanagement. I really hope that got the results you were aiming for from the highborn, because you definitely didnt make any friends today.

I rather think it will help.

Okay, this time it wasnt my fault. We all whirled to confront Rhydion, who had justfucking manifested from around the side of the shed. You cant walk that quietly on snow, especially in metal boots! The stealthy way he moved had to be an effect of that artifact armor. What the hell else could it do, and how much of a pain in my ass was it going to be to find out?

You have a gift for political theater, Lord Seiji, the paladin said. That was an inspired performance, if risky. But as matters turned out, I believe youll have started afashion. Highborn are nothing if not susceptible to trends. In the weeks to come it will be very much in vogue to display well-fed lowborn in sufficiently warm clothing to other well-to-do visitors. Of course, that will be a starkly temporary state of affairs and is unlikely to reach everyone on the island to begin withand it certainly addresses none of the underlying problems. But coming at this moment, with the early winter and large stockpiles of food and materiel just waiting to be circulated, it should be exactly the push needed to ensure security until the season changes.

Well, lets hope, I said, watching him warily. Nice as that sounds, Im rather concerned about the rest of the not everyone you referred to. Just because the highborn can blithely condemn people to starve to death in the snow doesnt make it tolerable.

I dont think anyone suggested todays work settled the matter, Ruell said in a performatively casual tone, inspecting his fingernails. Rampaging across a whole island is rather on the implausible side, but in smaller more specific cases, at a time when lots of packages are scurrying about hither and yon? It wouldnt surprise me if the odd parcel goes astray just where it needs to. These things do happen.

He met my eyes and smiled disarmingly. I considered him for a moment, then granted him a shallow nod. These things did happen, if someone made them happen.

Are you acquainted with the Yviredhs, Lord Seiji? Rhydion inquired.

I did not freeze up or otherwise react, just turning a blankly questioning look on him. Goddammit, asshole, stop being so perceptive! I am TRYINGto con you!

The what?

The lady and her husband who intervened in yourpresentation. It was such a well-timed interjection and so perfectly executed to achieve the results you sought, just when they were in question. I could not help but wonder if it was pre-arranged.

Oh. No, I had no idea who was going to be there. Maybe I should make an effort to remember the less horrible ones, but to be honest, all those highborn kind of look alike to me. Speaking of which, I specifically did not notice you lurking about. And you tend to stick out.

One would think so, he said vaguely. In any case, Lord Seiji, I realize this has not been a perfect outcome, but realistically, no such was ever possible. You have likely achieved the best result that could have been hoped for. Between that and your useful information concerning the squirrel tribe and witch in the forest, may I presume that you are prepared to join us in moving out?

Excuse the hell outta you? I said sweetly. The deal was that you help me get food and stuff to the population. I distinctly recall you doing fuck all while I did that myself. Have fun zombie hunting, Rhydion.

He regarded me from behind his visor, inscrutable as always, and then shifted his head minutely toward the other main party to this conversation.

Forgive me for my rudeness, Lord Ruell, but I wonder if I could prevail upon you to give us a moment?

Now, how can I rightly call such a well-phrased request rude? the elf replied airily. Not to worry, old boy, Im sure I can find something in this delightful shindig to occupy me for a bit. Lord Seiji, Miss Aster, it has been an absolute pleasure from top to bottom. Ive a strong feeling the fates will bring us together again soon. Till then, ta!

He sauntered off. Arrkeen studied me with a terrifyingly neutral expression for a moment longer before turning to follow her master. I was left reflecting that the elf was probably right. Even not knowing what the hell that guys deal was, I had a very strong feeling I was nowhere near done having him underfoot.

Something to look forward to.

As Ruell trotted off, I turned an expectant stare on Rhydion and folded my arms. In truth, I still fully intended to come along on his expedition, if only because recent events in my own neck of the woods meant I could not afford to have him or anyone else from the Kings Guild rummaging around in beastfolk territory without me there to supervise and deflect their attention as necessary. But he had spectacularly failed to make himself even slightly useful, and I was absolutely going to milk a few concessions out of him for it.

The situation on Dount is politically rather unique, the paladin stated calmly once we were alone. There are few polities wherein absolutely no one would observe events in Cat Alley and the Nest, as well as the ouster of Lady Gray and the subsequent peculiar change in bandit activity on Dount, and connect a character like the Healer to a foreign lord with an odd soft spot for the downtrodden and a rare specialty in healing magic. In most countrieseven, I daresay, in most provinces of Fflyr Dlemathlysthe emergent pattern would have already prompted direct action from the local governor, if not higher. This is Dount, however, and most of those who even could draw those connections are either uninterested, insufficiently compensated, or actively disinclined to pursue the matter.

He paused. The bastard did a dramatic pauseto mewhile I stared at him in shock.

Of course, things would immediately become very different if a person of sufficient standing were to spell it out for them.

Snow crunched under Asters boots as she very subtly shifted to a more ready stance, facing the paladin. I, for the moment, could still only stare at him.

The motherfucker.