Only Villains Do That

3.12 In Which the Dark Lord Gets No Respect

All right, I get it, none of you like my plan. But were all still here, because none of you clods could come up with anything better! So unless you can produce a superior idea, just do me a favor and button it.

I stared challengingly at the little strike team assembled around me on Sneppits tram platform, all of whom returned unimpressed looks. Of course, it was Flaethwyn who opened her mouth again despite my very clear instructions.

This remains the most asinine thing Ive ever heard of. You agreed we cannot risk attacking the Goblin King directly until we know the source of his power So were going to try to learn the source of his power by attacking him directly?

Yes, Flaethwyn, you can make anything sound stupid if you cant find anything better to do with your time than rephrase it in the worst possible way.

Thats literally just the And my name is Flaethwyn! It isnt that hard to say, accent or no!

No human could possibly pronounce that, I said dismissively, turning away from her.

Yoshi learned to do it!

I gave her my sweetest smile. Yoshi cares about your feelings.

Yoshi himself drew in a breath and visibly steeled his shoulders before intervening. Hey, at least the kid was developing the spine to step in now and again. He was urgently going to need that if he intended to keep hanging around with Flaethwyn.

Omura, dont you think youre being a little too confrontational?

I smiled and held up both hands in a peaceable gesture. Not that winding her up wasnt fun, but he wasnt wrong; this was probably not the time.

And Flaethwyn, he has a point, Yoshi continued, turning to the elf. I noticed he unconsciously dipped his head slightly in an instinctively obsequious posture when speaking to her. That spine was still in development, clearly. The plan isnt as simple as that, and none of us have come up with anything better. With Omuras group added to our own, we are strong enough we should be able to handle anything the goblins can come up with. We might even get lucky and manage to take out the Goblin King when we get there, but even if not, that leaves the main plan. Theyll be too distracted dealing with us to catch the spy before she can get what were looking for.

Flaethwyn huffed and folded her arms. That still means the whole thing depends on that goblin succeeding behind our backs.

The small group of goblins with us all glanced at her with cool expressions, but by this point everybody understood Flaethwyn well enough to tell when there was no point taking offense.

Gizmit is a professional who is good at her job, I said. Frankly, she might be the only one here who can make that claim.

Zui scowled up at me and loudly cleared her throat.

Dont harrumph at me, I dont even know why youre here. What, you gonna give the Goblin King a bad haircut to sabotage his authority?

Yo! We are ready to roll out! called the goblin from the engineering car, whose name I hadnt caught. He was apparently an actual engineer and not a cross-trained security guard like our previous pilot.

Getting ready to move had apparently taken some doing. We were embarking from another track that had to be reached by a series of metal bridges that creaked alarmingly under the weight of multiple humans but held. Fittingly enough, given that this was the central hub of the tram network, Sneppits personal station was huge; apparently this wasnt even the only level. Our new ride was suspended from another track which would take us to our intended destination.

Unlike the basic lead car which had brought us here, we were heading out with some kind of special engineering car with bigger sails, stronger brakes, a large compartment full of tools and who knew what other augmentations. Sneppit was concerned about sections of the track having been damaged by Jadraks people, so wed be moving slower and with more care, and the ability to hopefully fix things at need. In addition to three engineers, she was also sending along Dap and his security team, since they were still on the clock.

To protect the tram, of course. Once we were dropped off as close as the tram could get us to Jadraks HQ, we were on our own.

All aboard, then, I said cheerfully, the first to clamber into the swaying car as soon as one of the secondary engineers popped the door open.

One by one, the others followed. There was no escaping the tightness of the fit, since this thing had been designed for riders half our height, but it was a tiny bit more comfortable than previously as there were two fewer humans along. As per Asters plan, Ydleth and Madyn were helping Sneppits people around the base. In exchange, though, there was an extra goblin coming along.

Gizmit was here because she was part of the plan. Zui hopped aboard, too, ignoring my pointed look. Well, considering Sneppit was also using this trip as an opportunity to scout the condition of the tunnels, maybe shed sent Zui along to supervise them once we parted ways from the tram.

Also, I saw Rizz and Rhoka both clambering into the rear car with the security team. They were not part of the plan, but I wasnt terribly surprised to see them include themselves. From what Id gathered, that was basically what Judges did. Whatever trouble Rhoka was in for aiding Zuis off-the-books rescue mission, apparently it wasnt enough to keep Rizz from bringing her along.

Nazralind was the last one in, and behind her a goblin attending the platform called out Watch your fingers! and slammed the door shut.

Everybody settled? shouted the lead engineer from the car ahead. Behind us, somebody rapped hard on the metal frame of the rear car, and Zui reached up and hammered her fist against our door in turn. All right, were out! This aint gonna be a fast trip, folks. Keep yer ears perked for bloodcurdling screams; first sign of enemy contact an you mooks are gonna earn your pay. Gettin stabbed aint in my contract!

Charming, Flaethwyn groused as the sails ahead were cranked open and we began moving forward. True to his word, the engineer only extended them partway, causing us to proceed at a slower pace than our previous trip. I also felt the occasional shudder as he gently pumped the brakes to interrupt our acceleration.

I was hoping for more of these tram rides during our underground adventure; now that wed linked up with Yoshi and company, having shared downtime with them served my long-term plans. Establishing and maintaining a positive relationship with Team Hero was one of my core goals, and the reason I wasnt heckling Flaethwyn any harder, despite what a tempting target she made.

Right now, a tense and gloomy silence hung over the group, especially the Sanoriteswho were, to be fair, having a really terrible day. This was just begging for someone with my wit and charm to step in and lift the mood.

To my surprise, Yoshi beat me to it.

Okay, so Radatina and, uhother familiar. What do you think could be the source of these Blessings and scrolls the Goblin King suddenly has?

Weve ruled out any of the obvious sources, the pixie replied, seating herself on Yoshis shoulder. Biribo preferred to remain hovering, seemingly unfazed by the trams speed or the wind through its lack of walls. Things like that usually come from Spirits or dungeon rewards. It seems none of the Spirits in these tunnels can produce those results, and there definitely isnt an active dungeon on Dount.

Yeah, thats kinda the point, kid, Biribo agreed. We dont know whats going on. Hence our fact-finding mission here.

Right, I understand that, Yoshi said patiently. But you said those are the obvious sources, right? Im just wondering if you know of any other possibilities. Even if theyre unlikelywell, its something. Anything to avoid going in completely blind.

IYoshi, I wouldve said so if there was any chance

Only other thing that comes to mind is sometimes Blessings and Blessing-related rewards can be handed out in person, Biribo said, interrupting Radatinas hesitant answer. The pixie familiar scowled up at him, buzzing her wings in annoyance.

In person? Pashilyn asked, leaning forward. You meanby the Goddesses?

Exactly, said Radatina. Theyve been known to do it. However, to avoid escalating their conflict into another planet-breaking apocalypse, the Goddesses are strictly hands-off and dont intervene directly while a Dark Crusade has been called. So long as theres a Dark Lord walking the surface of Ephemera, neither will risk bestowing a personal Blessing or other reward, except as a normal miracle bought with Goddess coins.

Which brings us back to the same considerations that ruled out Lancor having set this up from their stash of scrolls, Biribo added. Thats a massive investment, and not something that makes sense for any of the big enough powers to do in Kzidnak of all places.

I see, Yoshi mused, frowning sightlessly at the passing tunnel wall visible through the bars. A momentary silence fell while we considered.

The only other possibility

Dont even bring that up! Radatina interrupted Biribo, rising off Yoshis shoulder to buzz aggressively toward him.

He turned a baleful look on the pixie, flicked out his tongue at her once, and then very deliberately continued his thought.

Its possible for Blessings to be granted, and scrolls created, by certain very powerful individuals.

What? Yoshi demanded while Radatina groaned dramatically and covered her face with both hands. It is? By who?

Youve mentioned scrolls can be created, I said, but not that people can grant Blessings.

Yeah, well, thats because its even less likely than the other options weve considered. Crafting spell scrolls is a major high-end feat for the most powerful Blessed with Magic; there probably arent more than a handful of people alive who can do it, and thats not really any quicker or easier than dungeon delving or Spirit-talking, just somewhat more reliable. But granting Blessings, its basically only Heroes and Dark Lords who can do that.

Aha, the case is blown wide open! I said, grinning. Yoshi! Where were you on the night of the murder?

Right, because hes the suspicious one here, Flaethwyn sneered. Yoshi just frowned at me.

Also, Biribo added, Im talking about late-stage, well-developed, powerful Champions, not neophytes whove only been on Ephemera for a few months. No offense.

And since you two are accounted for, Radatina said pointedly, still staring at Biribo, that settles the matter. Right?

He flicked out his tongue at her again, and I got the distinct impression Biribo wouldve stopped talking long since if the opposing familiar wasnt getting under his skin. Personally, I found this delightful. Not just because it was amusing; she was inadvertently goading him into revealing things I suspected the goddesses preferred we not know. I already knew for a fact that Biribo hid things from me on those grounds, given that Id had to go behind his back to learn about the Void.

Unless, he replied just as deliberately, a former Hero or Dark Lord shows up.

What? I barked, abruptly forgetting my previous levity.

At the same moment, Yoshi leaned forward so suddenly it made the tram car sway. That can happen?!

No, it cant! Radatina exclaimed zipping back and forth and waving her arms about in agitation. Augh! Why would you tell them that?! Now theyre just going to be worried over nothing!

It very much can happen, even if it definitely wont, Biribo shot back. It was a question, and I answered it with the truth. Thats the job! That is our entire reason for existing!

Oy! I yelled, clapping my hands sharply. Settle! Do I need to separate you two?

Yeah, lets try to calm down, Yoshi urged in a more soothing tone. I dont get what you two are trying to say. Its possible that theres a previous Hero or Dark Lord around, butalso not?

Another tense little silence ensued, in which Biribo and Radatina glared daggers at each other.

Well, she said finally, throwing up her tiny hands, you were so keen on dragging this up. Go on, spell it out since youre so clever.

He stuck out his tongue at her again, this time far enough I thought he might be trying to devour the pixie frog-style, but at least he answered before this could devolve into more familiar infighting.

Right, so, boss, I know Ive mentioned that in some rare cases, really successful Dark Lords who ran out of things to conquer were able to pass the reins to a lieutenant and go into retirement. So! By definition, a Dark Crusade ends with a Hero victoriousand almost always alive, unless they take the Dark Lord down with them, blaze of glory style, whichisnt common. And it can end with the original Dark Lord also secretly alive and in hiding.

With you so far, I said, nodding.

The other thing to note is that, at the highest possible reaches of power within the Blessings systemthe kind of stuff that only Champions of the Goddesses have any reasonable chance of achievingis magic that can grant extreme longevity, or even immortality.

Longevity, yes, Radatina interrupted. Actual, literal immortality? Thats only hypothetically, technically achievable. Its never been done and probably wont be. I bet thats one of the degrees of power the Goddesses would step in and prevent if somebody was getting too close.

Shes right, Biribo admitted grudgingly, but even so, it is within the bounds of possibility for somebody to survive for centuries, and a Hero or Dark Lord is the most likely person to find that kind of power.

Wait, wait, Yoshi interjected. If thats true, why are you so certain its not the case here? It sounds like that would explain everything!

Because, Biribo said with clear exasperation, Hara Satoshi and Kurobe Yomiko are both dead as dust. History records where, when, and how each of em kicked it. Both of their gravesites are protected historical landmarks of the Lancor Empire. They are not going to suddenly pop up.

Which means, Radatina swooped in to take over the explanation, any theoretical former Champion who might still be around would have to have survived for multiple cycles of Dark Crusades, which have a century between them at least, usually closer to two. Thats already pushing the upper limits of longevity magic by itself. And more importantly, it would mean that any former Champion whos still around would have for some reason decided to quietly sit out the last Dark Crusade. On the very remote chance that they did, why would they butt in now?

Annoying pixie is right, Biribo agreed. If a previous Champion felt like making their presence known, it wouldve been pushing their luck to do it last round when they were merely old and decrepit. By now theyd be ancient and falling apart.

I could think of any number of possible reasons that would motivate such a person to do something so irrational, but kept my peace for the moment. On consideration, I was inclined to agree with the familiars assessment; to judge by the silence and pensive stares of the others, I wasnt the only one. Even if a previous Champion were alive and decided to show up and go out in some absurd last hurrah Why this? Handing out spell scrolls to a tiny handful of goblins engaged in a rebellion on nowheresville island like Dount? My (and I suppose Yoshis) presence here was all that made it even remotely probable, and this seemed like an unlikely way to come at us.

Gotta say, I eventually broke the silence, I agree with the pixie. This is almost certainly a non-consideration, and now I wish you hadnt told us. Even knowing theres not gonna be a veteran Dark Lord popping up to backstab me, Im going to be paranoid about it for the rest of my life. Thanks,Biribo.

I just cant win with you, he complained.

I grinned at him. Maybe you should try to be more like LALATINA!

My sudden epiphany had nothing to do with our situation, but it prompted me to jerk upright so hard I bonked my head on the ceiling and set the car rocking again; Radatina zoomed backward out of reach as I threw forward one hand to point at her, cackling.

I knew it! I knew you couldnt resist making it an anime reference! Let me guess, she also pretended she couldnt understand your accent?

Oh, youve seen Konowait. Yoshi broke off his excited reply to turn a betrayed look on his familiar. Pretended?

You are a jerk! the tiny pixie screeched, darting aggressively toward my face. Even for a Dark Lord, youre a jackass! I oughta dive down your throat and finish you off from the inside!

Hang on, said Yoshi. Biribo Omura, did you try to name your familiar Bilbo?

Never mind that, I waved him off, now I wanna see this little pixie try to take me out. I mean, can you imagine Viryas face if that was how the Dark Crusade ended? Fuck it, Im ninety percent sold on this for that alone. Somebody get Discount Darkness a tiny little dagger and lets see what happens. Whos got a toothpick?

Yoshi interceded again, physically grabbing Radatina and trying to soothe her fit of temper, while Aster leaned over from my other side to murmur in my ear.

I realize youre just having fun, but maybe dont make jokes like that in front of people whove given up everything to follow you.

Feeling suddenly guilty, I glanced over at my followers. Reassuringly, Adelly just looked bemused, and Nazralind was grinning as if this was the best show shed seen in ages. Which was probably true.

Poor Yoshi was still doing his best to keep the peace, and now stepped in with a desperate change of subject.

So, I didnt know that the last Hero and Dark Lords graves were both protected sites. Even the Dark Lords? Im surprised the Radiant Temple would allow that. Actually, its a little surprising they would bury her at all.

Dark Lord Yomiko was respected by her enemies, both in her time and still now, Pashilyn said smoothly, speaking in a calm tone that was just what this situation needed to de-escalate. Her forces were kept to a strict code of conduct regarding the treatment of civilians and prisoners of war. Whenever she conquered a nobles holdings, any plunder her army didnt specifically need would be distributed among the common people who lived nearby. Several times she took the time to ask around about any grievances the people had with their rulers, and put Lancoral nobles and bureaucrats on trial for corruption, then dispensed punishments if they were convicted. When she found the people loved their local rulers, she offered them protection and returned a share of their confiscated assets. Yomiko never declined an honorable duelnor lost oneand always spoke to her enemies with courtesy. That impressed the Lancoral a great deal; chivalry is very important in their culture.

You make her sound like some kind of saint, Flaethwyn said, her voice redolent with disdain. Yomiko was a marauding butcher, just like any Dark Lord. She simply had the benefit of crafty advisors from Savindar who coached her in political theater, so she put on those little shows to impress the locals and discourage uprisings against her. Obviously it worked on the ignorant peasants. Lancor is a beacon of civilization in many ways, but they dont bother to educate their lowborn like we Fflyr.

That is wrong in every possible direction, Nazralind stated. Unlike Dlemathlys, Lancor has a public education system. Its mostly for the children of nobles and Imperial bureaucrats, but any citizen who can pass the entrance exams and pay tuition can attend school. Meanwhile, there is no polity in Dlemathlys which educates lowborn save the Radiant Convocation, and that only applies to their own initiates. We allow lowborn to educate themselves because this country is so awash in books that preventing them would require a massive administrative infrastructure that none of the Clans are competent enough to build.

This time, the silence hung like a weight. Flaethwyn opened her mouth, then closed it and averted her eyes, her cheeks coloring. Coming from anyone else that would have been the start of another screaming fight, but for some reason she seemed intimidated by Nazralind. It was nearly as useful as it was hilarious.

In any case, Pashilyn continued after a moment, the Emperor at the time did commission a respectable tomb for Dark Lord Yomiko, and the Empire has maintained and protected it ever since. Im sure theres a limit to how fondly people can feel toward someone conquering their country, but in the century and a half since Yomikos passing, the Lancoral have grown oddly affectionate toward her memory. I understand she gets a lot of flowers every Passing Day.

Must be nice, I mused. Ill be lucky if they leave me facedown in a ditch.

More people than I liked nodded solemnly.

That was the appropriate moment for someone to disagree, I said irritably.

Again, solemn nods all around.

You know, shit like this is what drives people to start conquering stuff, I complained.

You guys are fun, Zui commented.

The tram, I noticed, was decelerating. There were no sparks or screeching this time; mustve been those fancy brakes Id been told the engineering car had.

All told, despite the continual disrespect I was forced to suffer, I decided to chalk this tram ride up as a victory for the Dark Crusade. Sure, all Id learned was the useless and unpleasant fact that I only probably wasnt going to get surprise murdered by a grumpy elder Dark Lord, but it had been a chance to sit and chat with Yoshi and his team. Trying to shmooze them would only have made them suspicious, so I wasnt going to court them overtly. But Id already saved their butts twice now, and just having the chance to hang out and socialize with them, like normal people riding a train together, was advancing the cause. The more they regarded me and mine as just folks and not monsters, the closer I was to turning their righteous vengeance away from the Dark Crusade and toward the Goddesses where it belonged.

Baby steps.

Aw, yeah, nailed it! crowed the talkative engineer one second after the tram creaked to a halt. Ladies and gentlemen, if youll look to your left you will see the exact entrance into the tunnels youll need, right in front of the door of your car, because I am just that good. Youre welcome.

Gizmit had stood up while he was nattering, turning around and pressing her face against the bars. Hm. Hey, familiars, any guards nearby?

I dont detect anybody in the vicinity, Biribo reported, beating Radatina by a split second.

Nor up and down the tram tunnel in either direction, she added, not to be outdone. We seem to be completely alone.

Thatsweird, I murmured. I thought this side tunnel led right into Jadraks home complex. And it comes out into a major tram tunnel he knows Sneppit has access to. Are we sure this is the right spot?

Thats it, Gizmit confirmed. Its not the first time Ive been snooping around here. And youre right, this isweird is a word for it. This should not be unguarded. Jadraks always run a fairly loose operation, but hes not an idiot.

Counterpoint: I said, opening the door. Everything else hes done.

I hopped out before she could respond. This was the middle of nowhere, not an actual tram platform; it was a drop of roughly my height to a rocky, uneven tunnel bottom. The rest of the team filed out after me, dropping to the floor as each of us made room in turn, Nazralind and Flaethwyn both lighting up their auras so we could see. The drop was obviously a bigger deal for the goblins than us, but Rizz and Rhoka had already descended from the rear car by the time Yoshi hit the ground and skidded on loose gravel, barely avoiding a fall by colliding with Aster, whod seen this coming and braced her feet. Gizmit followed him far more gracefully despite having relatively farther to fall.

Look alive! Zui called from above. I looked up, barely in time to catch her with a surprised grunt as she plummeted into my arms. Thanks.

The little pest had the absolute temerity to reach up and ruffle my hair before hopping the rest of the way down.

Can I help you? I demanded, annoyed.

Thats all I needed for now, thanks, but Ill letcha know.

Forgive me, Zui, I keep forgetting that subtlety is wasted on you. Lets try that again: what the hell do you think youre doing? I thought you were just along to supervise the tram crew.

They dont need it, she said pointedly. Sneppit wants somebody representing her interests on this op after Gizmit peels off to do her thing.

And she chose the barber. Of course. Obviously.

Anybody who works in Miss Sneppits inner circle has multiple valuable skills at a high level, Zui said archly. In addition to being the best damn hair gal in Kzidnak and one of its most renowned executive assistants, I am a perfectly competent security guard and more besides. So, yeah, you tall and Blessed types will be taking point on this, but I am not dead weight.

I scowled at her; she folded her arms and stared right back. I was the first to avert my gaze, mostly because that position with her arms really pushed her chest up in a way that was distracting enough to make me worry about a flashback. Goddamn this smug goblin and her amazing tits, the last thing I needed was to turn into another Donon on top of the rest of my problems.

Right, well. You two are in charge of keeping Zui out of trouble, I ordered, turning to Rizz and Rhoka.

Oh, Judge Rizz deadpanned, is that what were in charge of.

This natural crevice leads right into a carved out section not far ahead, Radatina reported, having followed Yoshi over to the aperture in the tunnel wall in front of us. Just a couple of minutes walk, I think; its mostly big enough we shouldnt have trouble getting through. Pretty spacious for goblins.

Yeah, and were well within earshot of whoevers in there, said Gizmit.

Which, again, is nobody, Biribo repeated. Seriously, there are no goblins within the range of my senses. Ask the pixie if you doubt me.

The lizard is right, Radatina reluctantly agreed. We represent the entirety of sapient life within basic familiar senses. Looks like the tunnel complex beyond goes much deeper, but there shouldnt be anybody able to hear us from here.

Right beyond this tunnel is a section that used to be a mine, Gizmit said, turning to look up at me. All the veins were tapped out years ago; that particular area was carved out further for housing. Specifically, housing for Jadraks security division. They deliberately left this little crack as a backdoor to sneak out when they wanted; its possible Jadrak and his upper management dont know about it, so Id believe theres not a formal guard posted. But it does not make sense that theres nobody in the section beyond, especially at a time like this. His whole complex should be locked down and every exit manned; the people responsible for organizing that would definitely know about this tunnel.

Well, I said slowly. Howincredibly convenient for us.

It was Yoshi who said what we were all thinking, as the tram behind us opened its wings and began to slide away up the tunnel.

This is bad, isnt it.