Only Villains Do That

2.32 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Cut Down to Size

Yeah, thats great, she said, planting her fists on her hips. Thats exactly how a girl likes to be greeted, thanks.

Hey, I was specifically expecting someone else, and I get the impression you were well aware of thatuh

Oh, this is rich. Now she looked somewhere between incredulous and bitterly amused. You have no idea who I am, do you?

Of course I remember you, I shot back, and it was the truth. Among all the goblins Id met, this combination of vivid purple-and-white hair, huge tits, and sour attitude was very distinctive. Unfortunately some of the details had slipped, because I rather disliked this womans company and made an active effort not to think about her. Sneppits so-called hairstylist and actually Im guessing executive assistant or business manager or something, I do not understand how you people assign job titles. What are you doing here Ah

She folded her arms and raised her eyebrows.

Fuck it, I took a shot. Zuka?

Zui, corrected the goblin and Aster in one breath.

Right, thats practically what I said.

Well, thanks for not calling me Boob Goblin, I guess. An amazing number of you tallboys default to that.

I thought about it, I admitted. But then I decided that would be unnecessarily provocative.

Ya think?

So then I thought about it again, but then I considered that youre apparently pretty close to Miss Sneppit, and I should consider how dealing with you would affect dealing with her.

Zui mutely raised her eyebrows.

So then I thought about it again, but then I

All right, enough! she exclaimed. I get it, Lord Seiji says whatever he wants to whoever he wants and doesnt care what anybody thinks. Can I come in already? This whole conversation doesnt need to be yelled in the hall.

I had to consider that for a second. I was waiting for somebody else But, hell, there was no point in pissing off Sneppit unnecessarily, and the fact that Zui had bothered to come here meant she probably had something worthwhile to say. Also, I was curious how shed managed it so damn fast.

Sure. I stepped back to allow her through the door.

Wow. Zui looked around at the room, with its displaced furniture and slimes stuck to the walls in several places, held up by the parts of them that were jammed into the tiny holes. Yknow, just because its owned by goblins doesnt mean you need to trash it.

Were going to put everything back how it was before we leave, I said in annoyance, shutting the door. What do you want, Zui?

Its not what I want, she said, turning to face me once she reached the middle of the room. Its what my boss wants. You suddenly showed up on goblin turf and started beating the bushes, Lord Seiji, which gets attention. Among others, you got Miss Sneppits attention. Its not hard to pick up that somethings gone wrongyoure usually one to lay careful plans in advance, not rush off and suddenly do shit like this. Miss Sneppit has a vested interest in your continued financial viability, not to mention having you not arrested and being interrogated about your contacts by the Fflyr authorities. Not to further mention she also has vested interests in some of the particular bushes youre beating, hence me getting here so fast. So, whats up, and can we help?

I stared down at her for a stupefied moment, blinking. Wait. Youre here offeringhelp?

Look more shocked when you say that, she snipped.

I dont think thats unwarranted. How much would this putative help cost me?

Well, that depends entirely on the details. Though despite what you seem to think, in a lot of the possibilities the answer could be nothing. Miss Sneppit is a businesswoman, Lord Seiji, not a miser. Sometimes you gotta protect your investments, and it never hurts to be owed a favor.

Damn, this was actually an opportunity. One I feared I wasnt prepared to take full advantage of; my current plans were vague, but drawing on Sneppits resources was a possibility I hadnt even considered. What could I ask for? What could she even offer? And what would be the hidden costs? Shit, this was exactly the kind of conversation I didnt want to have without being prepared in advance. Fucking goblins, there was always an angle with them

How did you get here so fast? I asked, stalling for time to think. Cos Ive noticed you goblins seem to get around a lot quicker underground than we can up here, but that was really pushing plausibility. I mean, for a message to get down to Sneppit and you to be sent back up in such a short time Oh. Is her headquarters right under this pub?

None of that is anything you need to know, she said, pressing her lips into an unhappy line. From a lot of people Id take that for a tacit admission but Zui looked roughly that unhappy most of the time I saw her anyway. Look, if it helps you, the fact that youre having this conversation with me and not Gizmit is a big sign of good faith. From me, not just Miss Sneppit; orders or no orders, I dont come up to this city and talk to tallboys without armed backup unless Im pretty confident they mean well. If we cant help you, Lord Seiji, then thats that. No harm done or offense taken. But whatever youre up to, if you need a hand Its offered.

Between my deflection and her little soliloquy, I had actually had a thought that seemed worth asking about. Maugros help would be necessary to create a map of gang activity in the Gutters, but there was privileged information even he didnt have, and I couldnt get. Unless

Can Youda brew a truth serum? I asked.

Zui shot me down immediately. I can tell youve been in Fflyr Dlemathlys long enough to have read way too many novels. There is no such thing as a truth serum. The problem there is philosophical, not scientific. Truth is a much more vague concept than it seems like it should be. Even if you wanna limit the effect to, say, factuality, thats way too tricky in practice to be bottled. The conscious perception of reality is inherently mutable enough that everybodys understanding of truth is already scrambled even before you scramble it further with drugs. Some basic mental training is all it takes to beat any tongue-loosening effect by turning your revelations into garbled nonsense. Hell, you dont even need training; if somebodys a little mentally unstable, or even particularly religious, forcing them to tell truth results in a lot of pointless noise. And like I said, administering mind-altering drugs to someone makes them mentally unstable by definition.

Wow, that was a lot of fancy vocabulary all of a sudden.

She curled her lip in contempt, showing off her jagged teeth. For a goblin?

For a hairstylist, I said sweetly, causing the sneer to deepen, or anyone who doesnt live in a library. Look, Zui, I get why youve got a chip on your shoulder, considering the way this country treats goblins, but you can really save that for somebody who deserves it. Ive never thought goblins were any less smart than anybody else. Most of the ones Ive talked to are noticeably cleverer than the average Fflyr Ive been running circles around. No offense, Aster.

Offense? She folded her arms and raised her eyebrows, almost exactly like Zui had a moment ago. You sure as hell havent been running circles around me.

Zui, somewhat to my surprise, actually seemed mollified by my speech. Well, I suppose. Anyway, what youre asking about isnt completely off the table, I just wanted you to be aware of the limitations up front. You cannot feed somebody a potion and then just magically get good answers out of em, but there are ways to break a persons mental defenses, and the right use of alchemy can enhance that considerably. So youre not asking for a potion, but for the time and talents of the professionals necessary to carry out the process. An alchemist and an interrogator, at minimum. Fortunately for you, Miss Sneppit has those.

Ah, right, of course she would employ an interrogator. Or, forgive me, that would bewhat? A plumber? Fan dancer? Tactical underwater basket weaver?

A maid, Zui said with a dry little smile. Thats just one of Gizmits many talents. To be clear, Lord Seiji, this is not a small favor; were already past the point of anything Miss Sneppit is likely to offer out of goodwill, but for you I think she could agree to a deal. I cant promise anything without her approval, but thats my estimate. Also, it would depend on whos being interrogated.

I considered carefully under her patient stare before answering. Just revealing this was taking a risk But Sneppits organization already knew a lot about me that could cause me serious trouble, and she hadnt betrayed me yet. They might not have confirmation that I was the Dark Lord, but the game had been more or less given away. If she was willing to sit on that information Then again, there might just not be anybody she could betray me to, considering how the Fflyr political powers felt about goblins. That would also suffice for an assurance, or as close to one as I was likely to get.

An agent of Clan Olumnach. Possibly a member of their Clansguard.

She didnt even blink. You got a name?

I dont have one in custody just yet, I admitted. This is an angle it didnt occur to me to pursue until you came along offering help.

Zui nodded. All right, Ill pass the message to Miss Sneppit. I will warn you up front, Lord Seiji, shes gonna want serious assurances for this.

Im honestly surprised the idea wasnt an automatic dealbreaker.

Oh, please. She sneered again, though this time I got the feeling it wasnt directed at me per se. Nobody in the tunnels would shed a tear for anything that happens to the Clans or their stomp-booted lackeys. But pissing off the Clans is another matter; they cannot find out we were involved, full stop. So, assurances.

Stands to reason. Just let me know what she needs and we can talk details.

I will pass the message, she repeated. While Im here, anything else you need?

Suddenly I had a stray thought.

Possibly. Say, Zui, explain something about goblin culture to me.

No.

That actually brought me up short. Here wed been having a civil conversation just long enough for me to forget why I didnt much care for Zui. I was not accustomed to being curtly shut down like that; nobody talked that way to Lord Seiji. Nobody else, at least.

Okay, I said ruefully, well just dance around the issue of why you all have obviously fake job titles. All I really need to know is whether those are completely made up, or are you actually a hairstylist?

Zui tucked her thumbs into her belt, on which I had noted the presence of bulging pockets containing a variety of tools and materials, including the protruding handles of a pair of scissors.

I think youve misunderstood something. Mister, I am the hairstylist.

The hairstylist didnt walk around with all the tools of her trade, obviously, but she carried the basics on her person even when on non-hairstyling business, which I assumed was one of those goblin cultural things I was not allowed to ask about. So, no chair or styling products, but she had scissors and combs and Aster was able to fetch water from the pub downstairs. In the end, the only real problem was the lack of a mirror. The disparity in our heights posed a hurdle, but it worked out with me kneeling on the floor and her standing behind me. She seemed surprised I was able to hold that position long enough.

Nihonjin desu, I explained with a grin.

You have to be aware I have no idea what you just said.

Nobody does, said Aster. You just gotta learn to ignore it. He talks sense when he needs to.

Up to a point, I gather, Zui muttered, and then her fingers were rifling through my hair, fluffing it up. Hm. Hmmmm.

Hm? What hmmmm? Exactly how worried should I be about that sound?

Just seein what Ive got to work with, here. Interesting texture.

Is that going to be a problem?

Not for me, unless you want something real fancy done. Goblin hair is textured more like an elf or highbornstiff and coarse. Easy to style, barely needs any product. This is new. Yours is glossy like a lowborns, but straight. Fluffy.

Fluffy, Aster repeated, grinning. I bet you dont get called that very often.

Not twice, anyway.

Yeah, yeah, Lord Bigshot doesnt take any crap from anybody, we know, said Zui in a bored tone. So youre just looking for a trim? Ill repeat what I said: youre the one who consented to do this without a mirror. Im good, but I wont be held responsible if you dont love what you get. I wouldnt even agree to this if you wanted anything more complicated than a trim.

Its fine, I just want it the way I used to have it in Japan. Aster remembers what I looked like when I first got here, dont you?

Yeah, he was kind ofdeliberately scruffy. It was longish and on the shaggy side, but it was I dunno how to describe it, exactly. It gave off the impression he had it that way on purpose, to look slightly scruffy. Now he just looks like he hasnt had it trimmed in months.

Say no more. Zui began combing out locks and snipping at the ends; black hair fell to bedeck the spare blanket shed wrapped around my neck. Deliberately scruffy is a solid look, I can respect that. And youre right, it needs upkeep, otherwise you just look like a bum who cant be arsed to take care of himself. The right tinge of deliberate scruff expresses contempt for the lords of fashion. Totally different impression.

See, I knew youd get it, I said happily. Its rock n roll.

Zui sighed heavily but didnt ask me to clarify that. Tilt your chin up, please.

She actually was a professional, tugging my head into place with just the right degree of strength, firm but not rough. This adjustment pulled me backward so she could lean over and get at my bangs, and in the next moment I found my head and neck cradled in the most delicious softness. Warm, plush and

Please, the woman in front of me rasped in a faint rattle I could barely hear. I couldnt reach her in time, I wasnt fast enough. Heal, Heal! The spell did nothing, didnt connect. It wouldnt touch a corpse. The blood was spreading from beneath

I jerked forward, gasping and clawing at the blanket around me. The inn room came back into focus; Aster had stepped toward me in clear alarm, and to either side of my frame of vision I could see a pair of green hands, one holding scissors and the other a comb, instinctively jerked out of the way.

I dont usually have to explain this part out loud, but I got sharp implements next to your face, here. Zui snipped the scissors twice in midair for emphasis. There needs to be a maximum of zero sudden thrashing around, or the best case scenario is you end up lookin like a particularly smug haystack.

Sorry, I whispered, then cleared my throat and repeated more firmly, though my voice still held an embarrassing quiver. Sorry. I, uh Look, this is awkward, but, um. Can youkeep those things to yourself, please?

Heh. Id been afraid she would be offended, but the goblin just sounded amused. Funny, most customers look for excuses to lean back into em. Yeah, Ive learned to just ignore it, but if it matters to you, no problem. Can do. I just didnt figure you of all people for a prude, Lord Seiji.

I was the furthest thing from a prude, and under other circumstances not even Zuis abrasive excuse for a personality would have prevented me from fully appreciating her impressive chest, but But. Even without the flashbacks, I had seen some shit recently. The memory of trauma had passed, and even still there was a lingering discomfort with the idea of touching a woman that way when she hadnt specifically invited it. I was so much happier before I knew how much touching and worse they had to endure.

Yeah, well, I said weakly, Im just full of surprises.

I was rescued from my own awkwardness by a knock at the door. It was still awfully soon for my message to have gotten the results I wanted, but at that moment I was too preoccupied with regulating my breathing to wonder about it too hard. Aster crossed the room to answer it while Zui resumed combing and snipping.

Is thisa bad time? Maugro asked pointedly from the doorway as soon as Aster opened it.

Maugro! I said cheerfully. Perfect! Also, damn, you goblins move fast. I wasnt expecting you to turn up till tonight at the earliest.

Yeah, well, lucky for you I was in the area. Maugros gotta make his rounds, after all. Thanks, doll, he said, nodding to Aster as he stepped past her and not seeing her replying grimace. Though I admit I wasnt expecting anybody to beat me here. I see youre taking full advantage, though.

Say, speaking of that! Would Miss Sneppit happen to be headquartered right under this inn?

Hey, now, Zui growled, snipping her scissors in front of my face again.

Cmon, Lord Seiji, you know how this works, Maugro said, grinning. That kind of intel aint free. Considering youre asking me to piss in Miss Sneppits flower garden right in front of one of her top people, it aint even cheap. You sure its that important to you?

It definitely isnt, I acknowledged. Certainly not what I called you here for. Thanks for going out of your way, Maugro. Do I need to reimburse you?

Oh, yeah, that little ploy, he snorted. Yknow, if I was a less honorable goblin I would totally bilk you for the amount. Two silver halos for a message? You sure know how to stir people up. But no, of course not, because Im not stupid. When I suddenly started getting mobbed by idiots trying to collect that bounty it wasnt hard to find out what was up without having to actually buy the info from any of em. That was either a real clever play, Lord Seiji, or the desperate flailing of a man backed into a corner. Should I be worried?

Im a bit out of my element, but desperate is overstating it. By the way, Zui, are you okay with us talking business while you work?

Youre kidding, right? she snorted, snipping away. What the hell do you think Miss Sneppit does while Im working on her? Everybody whos got business does it while theyre getting trimmed. Dont mind me.

Perfect, thanks. It seemed a little too on the nose to comment that anything we said in front of her would go right back to Miss Sneppit, so I didnt bother. Ive been away on business for the last week, so Im a little out of the loop. I need to know everything there is not know about Clan Olumnachs movements into the Gutters.

Everything there is to know is one of those phrases I keep having to train my clients not to say, Maugro sighed. It sounds impressive, but in reality thatll be a lot of junk intel that you dont need and wont want to pay for. Think in terms of what youre trying to do and what you need to know in order to accomplish that.

Okay, I drawled. I am trying to break Olumnachs hold on crime on Dount, while its still fragile enough to do so.

Thats a tall order, he said skeptically. I know youre aware hes got a monopoly on the gangs outside the city.

Correction. I have a monopoly on the gangs outside the city. Highlord Caldimer went and left them understaffed and undefended while he focused his attention on Gwyllthean.

That caused a moment of silence. Even the scissors stopped for a few seconds.

Told you, I said smugly. I have been busy this week.

Well, damn, Maugro said at last. Im not the only one who works fast. Okay, then Youll want to know the locations, strength, and fighting style of the gangs as they stand?

Thats a good start. Also the relevant data about his own people. Im assuming Clan Olumnach personnel are of a higher caliber than the bandits hes press-ganged into being fodder for this.

I can get you a bit on that, but therell be blind spots, he hedged. For obvious reasons, the Highlords cagey and has made an active effort not to reveal the full capabilities of his Clansguard and household Blessed. Ive never seriously tried to ferret out that intel; the effort wouldve likely caught his attention and pissed him off, which I all kinds of dont fucking need.

Whatever youve got, then. I have other options for gathering that information.

Maugro glanced at Zui. Yknow what, I believe you.

Im also kind of in the dark about what kinds of operations are being fought over, here, I admitted. I know pretty much all of the gangsters I recently killed, and those Im about to, are street muscle. Grays and Olumnachs, both. But I assume those cant be all of crime in the Gutters.

Yeah, youre not wrong, he agreed. Muscle like them did a lot of stealing, both burglary and mugging, and Gray leveraged em for the likes of extortion and protection. Olumnachs goons wont have the know-how to do that as well, not right off the bat, but theyll catch on pretty quick. None of its heart surgery. In fact, getting rid of Gently and the Rats will create more opportunities for spying and pilfering work once things start to settle again. But in terms of actual businesses, there are several fences and fixers who do discreet work with the more well-heeled types up in the middle ring; they go where the wind blows and will happily bow to whoever wants to claim theyre in charge, so long as they get to keep doing business as usual. Some of Grays moneylending and debt collecting operations may still be intact, if theyre using independent muscle in place of the gangsters who got rounded up or knifed. The rest will just be gambling and drug dens. A lot of those got smashed when the Kingsguard went on their little rampage, but you cant really shut that shit down, it just pops up elsewhere the next night. The one thing Olumnachs people probably know about that Grays didnt was smuggling. Most of that trade goes around Gwyllthean, not through it.

I started to nod and Zui grabbed my skull, holding me in place.

Right, I said instead. Then I need to know whos doing what, where. As complete a map of crime in the Gutters as you can get me, as up-to-date as possible.

Maugro let out a low whistle. Youre talkin about a sizable research project, Lord Seiji.

I know. And I need it fast. As fast as you can manage.

If I pull all my people and put em on it I can get you files by tomorrow. Do I gotta clarify that this will not be cheap?

This is no time for cheapness, I agreed. This is the endgame, Maugro. Whatever you need, Ill get you, so long as you can get me what I need.

He studied me in silence for a moment.

This really is it, huh? If you pull this off Grays broken, and Olumnach would be out. Itll be you, lord of all crime on Dount.

Thats the plan, I said, smiling coldly. Which makes this the last opportunity for anybody who wants to be in good with me to get that way before they have to beg for my attention.

Zui snorted, but didnt stop clipping.

Well, all righty then, Maugro said with sudden good cheer, grinning his sharks grin. Then heres to a dark and glorious future! Lets talk particulars.