Isekai’d Shoggoth

Interlude 23. Videochat Log

  BestBoyHiram - Alright, everyone. This is new for all of us. Let us begin by stating who we are, as ordered by the list you see on the right. I am the initiator of this meeting, Hiram Hohenzollern. I am here in my capacity as crownprince of Kraut.   TallAndCurvyAnneMarie - Yes! Um... I am Anne-Marie, I am a freidame in service of his excellency crownprince. I am here in my capacity as a primary witness.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - As you say, your excellency. I am Falstaff, and I am here in my capacity as crownprince's aide and primary witness.   MalachiTheWise - Indeed. My name is Malachi and I am here in my capacity as head of the Champagne Inquisition... Though I would like to know who decided my presence was appropriate after the introductions are over. To the best of my understanding, this is internal Kraut matters, is it not?   OrochiKlaus - It is, but the one at the heart of the situation is one of yours. To round out the introductions, I am Klaus and I am here in my capacity as the spymaster of the Kraut kingdom. The reasons we are having this quite novel meeting are manifold, but they all come back to one singular person. The delectable jungfrau Alyssa Gillespie. While we are at it, I would like to express my genuine condolences and commiseration to sir Malachi. Wrangling defiled geniuses is hard work.   MalachiTheWise - Ah. That young lady. I should have known. She is the kind of person to inspire the bards, is she not? Suddenly, the missive I found this morning makes so much more sense.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - Ah. She already sent off her notes, I surmise?   MalachiTheWise - That she did. I understand I have you to thank for the sudden cornucopia of spells small and large for an enterprising sneak, boyo?   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - Yes. I do apologize for the sudden hardship, but jungfrau is...   BestBoyHiram - I believe all of us are well aware of just how much upheaval follows in her wake, Falstaff. Which brings us to the main reason why sir Malachi is here with us. Since you are already aware of some of the recent events, I have decided that it would behoove us to include you in the discussion. Just to make sure you do not make the wrong call going off incomplete information if nothing else.   OrochiKlaus - *rubs neck awkwardly* Incomplete information can be deadly, especially as far as the lady in question is concerned. Speaking of the lady, does anyone know the logic beyond the assignment of monikers? I can understand how his excellency got his, and I have pretty good ideas about the rest of you, but would anyone have any clue what mine is supposed to refer to?   MalachiTheWise - Not the foggiest. You'd have to ask the lady herself, I imagine. Probably something otherworldly, she tends to peer at different dimensions so much she forgets at times which words exist here and which are yet to be invented. Speaking of which, everyone... take a look at this.   MalachiTheWise - *locomotive.pic* *locomotive2.pic* *railway.pic*   TallAndCurvyAnneMarie -...That looks a little like the alchemical carriage she made last night! A little. That one was flatter and... much deadlier looking, though damn me if I have any good explanation why.   BestBoyHiram - We will discuss that particular carriage somewhat later, Anne-Marie. For now, what is this and why is it brought to our attention?   MalachiTheWise - Locomotive she calls it. The reason I am showing you this is because yesterday evening, our respective sovereigns had a copperphone discussion and jointly agreed to accept lady Gillespie's latest proposition regarding Ashenvale. In addition to the road that is already being laid through the valley, an additional road will be made, a metal construction she calls a railway, intended specifically for the locomotive you are currently seeing. According to her notes and trial information from dwarves, the locomotive in question requires several dozen barrels of water and about a quintal of charcoal for operation, but in return will pull a collection of carriages along the railroad. According to numbers, the train would consist of twenty to thirty carriages capable of carrying anywhere from fifty to two hundred quintals of cargo per carriage depending on what is being transported. Or alternatively up to a hundred people per carriage. They are quite big, I have to note. The line will connect Parsee and Berlinger through the Ashenvale. The sheer volume of goods that can be transported this way is staggering and according to the lady in question, the more trade our kingdoms engage in, the stronger our friendship will be.   OrochiKlaus - Gods in heaven. Does she ever stop? This... Just... Everyone does understand that throwing SO much freight capacity around will upend the whole merchant circle in both kingdoms, right?   MalachiTheWise - Yeah, about that. Our sovereigns had worked out some kind of deal regarding all that capacity. A little something-something to mitigate the impact, if you will. The exact details are still in the works, but we shall all get our marching orders soonish regarding that.   BestBoyHiram - Indeed. I shouldn't say much on the topic for now, we're still working out the exact details, but rest assured - it will not be unchecked. We're all cognizant of possible implications and there are many things being prepared to mitigate the problem. Indeed, one of the ways I feel comfortable speaking of right now is the introduction of new wares - things that were previously considered simply too complicated to transport to really trade them far. For example, good marble for architectural needs.   OrochiKlaus - Ah. Well, so long as we are in control of the situation... Does anyone else feel that ever since the lady in question made her public debut, we've all been riding a maelstrom of change?   BestBoyHiram - Only all the time, Klaus, only all the time ever. That being said, she did not steer the maelstrom wrong yet, and as we put time into it, more handholds become available to us to clamber atop. Oh well, bellyaching aside, let us begin. Falstaff, report. Anne-Marie, you will clarify and add to his report as necessary. Gentlemen, try and keep interjections to a minimum until the report is done, would you kindly? We would be better served if we discuss everything once we know the details.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - As you command, your excellency. First of all, allow me to note that lady Gillespie had managed to solve the problem of crossed senses. According to what she told Anne-Marie, the problem is called synesthesia and it occurs when one's mind does not have enough adroitness with a specific sense. The overflow, if you will, ends up being interpreted as different senses. For the sense of smell, the overflow goes mostly into the sense of taste, hence the problems with the traditional sniffing spells. Anne-Marie?   TallAndCurvyAnneMarie - Yes! The uh, method? It is much like getting used to bathing in cold water. Jumping into the winter river at once will make you sick, using cool water to wipe off every morning until you can do that with snow melt works. The same principle seems to apply to sensory spells. Putting oneself under a weak one and renewing it constantly, raising the potency little by little is remarkably effective. I have begun last evening and I already feel a better grasp of smells without making me incapable of eating.   OrochiKlaus -...Intriguing. Would you say undergoing sufficient training would permit one to simply wear an amulet enchanted with classic sniffer formula on a constant basis?   TallAndCurvyAnneMarie - I believe so, yes. It seems that all that is simply a matter of training oneself up to it, not an insurmountable barrier.   MalachiTheWise - Seems dead useful. I'm instituting this training for my squads, obviously. A hound that can explain what is that they smell? Priceless for inquisition, no question about it.   OrochiKlaus - Indeed. This alone would make all that debacle worthwhile, in my opinion.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - The second replicable feat is minor ghost touch. And as a corollary to the other two, I believe there is ample merit in tasking scholars with researching the potential uses of scaled down spells. Scaled down sniffer allows one to train up the nose. Scaled down ghost touch allows one to pick locks and accurately collect, ahem.... filthy objects.   OrochiKlaus - Body parts, you mean?   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - *shudders* Yes. That too. Though not anytime again soon, I hope. Gods above, jungfrau Gillespie is terrifying when she decides to get violent.   BestBoyHiram - Speaking of which. Consider this recreation, gentlemen. One of Falstaff's men had the foresight to set the tablet and make a record. Be wary, however. It is... not for the faint of heart.   BestBoyHiram - *blutbod.vid*   MalachiTheWise - Good grief. I see she was not sitting idle with them alchemical throwers.   OrochiKlaus -...Supremely destructive. I surmise she had showcased the prototypes in Champagne before?   MalachiTheWise - Indeed. This appears to be a much more advanced version of what she showed off during Year Unending. I'm not at liberty to discuss the details further, however.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - According to the lady herself, the whole contraption she used to wreak such destruction is a product of iterational advancement on the aforementioned alchemical thrower and locomotive. As she explained to me, the carriage is propelled by an alchemy concoction that explodes from being squeezed.   BestBoyHiram - This, above all else, makes me invested in furthering peace in any way possible. Because I have no doubt that Alyssa will make any war she is involved in a terrifyingly bloody devastation for opponents. A mere dozen of those carriages could easily answer and overwhelm the entire kingdom's levee if met in the open field. And that is not even mentioning the logically simple yet chilling idea of simply taking the alchemical thrower part of it and attaching it to her airship. Which will make any castle walls useless if she can simply float above the castle and shred anyone foolhardy enough to step out. The whole fortification will become an underground affair and ceding control of the very ground above your head means loss as it is.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - Insofar my best advice if you ever are unfortunate enough to be facing off against such? Do not be where it is about to fire, that seems to be the only effective defense. Not being struck. It seems that we finally have the answer as to what will come on top in the end - sword or shield. And it seems to be the sword.   BestBoyHiram - Seems so. But we have strayed from the topic. Minor ghost touch. If I recall my lessons right, ghost touch is that odd spell that allows to grasp objects at a distance? I believe it is intermittently used by some of the more magically-inclined knights to hurl boulders and assorted debris at enemies?   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - Indeed, your excellency. Common sense says a spell for hurling boulders should be useless for delicate matters, does it not? And yet... Lady Gillespie had demonstrated lockpicking with the weak version of the spell. She calls it telekinesis or TK for short. Now, gentlemen here might recall that there is a spell Lock Burst which is also related to ghost touch and exists to get rid of inconvenient locks. This is a spell most commonly known and used by spies and inquisition for obvious reasons, and it works by wrenching the lock out of the door by application of arcane force burst. What lady Gillespie did was NOT it. She picked the locks. She picked them cleanly. They could be relocked and reunlocked with a key afterward and she could relock the lock with magic too. The formulae are straightforward and all that it takes is some practice and patience to learn it. It is entirely possible that this application is actually known to certain criminals ingenious enough to come up with it, but there exists no known record for it. At least as far as I could find out in a limited time. I dare not hazard a guess where and why lady Gillespie had obtained enough practical knowledge on locks to pass schlosser mastery, but between knowing what is inside the lock and practiced touch for delicate magical nudging... Basically, no conventional lock will stop her for longer than a few seconds at most.   OrochiKlaus - A skill that is eminently learnable, once the connection between obscure tidbits of piddling value is made... Too bad she's not my daughter, that would make the pride I feel right now less awkward.   MalachiTheWise - That may as well be called her specialty, mind you. Connecting some oddments into something real useful.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - Moving on. The carriage she made to traverse the bog... Forgive me, but I have nary an idea where to begin with it. Presumably, it was something distantly derived from her airship, because it floated over the bog. Noisy but very fast mean of crossing all sorts of treacherous ground. According to my observations and her remarks, this, uh... Anne-Marie?   TallAndCurvyAnneMarie - *checks the notes* Hovercraft. A craft that hovers, whatever the hovering does truly mean. Maybe the act of floating a pied above the surface.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - Yes, thank you. Hovercraft appears to be equally capable of passing over bog, sands, snow, brackish or open water. I tentatively guess it would not cope with seawaves if the wind picks up, but any river it will likely traverse effortlessly, no matter how shallow or fast. The one she conjured was not armed, but I would guess she could arm one with great ease, if she so chooses. A hovercraft with alch... you know what, no, she called them something different.   TallAndCurvyAnneMarie - *continues checking the notes* Autocannons I believe.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - Yes. Hoverboat with autocannons, well... It would rule the rivers if hostilities break out. And that is not even mentioning my suspicion it would probably be able to traverse any reasonably smooth meadow or field with equal ease.   OrochiKlaus - And we looped back to fearing jungfrau Gillespie putting her considerable smarts towards warfare.   TallAndCurvyAnneMarie - Well sorry, but she IS terrifying even now. The thought of her on a full war footing, ugh...   OrochiKlaus - Indeed. Good of you to acknowledge this. She is also beyond many conventional means of control, which makes the situation even more precarious. I acknowledge I'm probably the last person to give such advice, but try and keep her friendly to you by any means possible. All of my experience tells me - she is the realmmaker the likes of which we have not seen since Agrippa the Prophet.   MalachiTheWise - Well, at least this one knows what realm she wants. Thousand Isles are an interesting choice, and in many ways the most convenient for all of us. By the looks of it, she will take control of the isles within the next year. Might as well prepare for trading to go beyond the wildest expectations.   BestBoyHiram - We are getting sidetracked. What else can you add about the results and observations from this, ahem, misadventure?   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - Well... The matter of schwagerlin von Norn is somewhat memorable. I was worried we would need to somehow sort the... less than convenient issue of lady Gillespie using mind magics, but...   OrochiKlaus - Do continue. What was that she actually did to the crone?...Oh, let me guess. Mind-affecting alchemical poison, maybe?   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - If only. No, what she actually did, well... Sir Malachi, are you aware that lady Gillespie is a practicing biomancer?   MalachiTheWise - Considering she is the person behind the invention of a cure for consumption, what do you think, boyo? Sir Pasteur is keeping an eye on her and so far we had no reason to raise an issue.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - Fair enough. Well, what she did to schwagerlin von Norn is a biomancy attack. Which, well, are the words I'd never expect to utter together. To borrow her own expression, the spell is the equivalent of taking a hammer and chisel and cutting a commandment into someone's skull. Schwagerlin was completely incapable of comprehending the world - for all intents and purposes she was turned into a living object carrying out the commandment and oblivious of anything else, even her own impending stroke.   BestBoyHiram - I should be horrified, but given what I know of the activities of the conspiracy she belonged to now, all I can say is "good riddance, she deserved every second of it".   MalachiTheWise - That bad, huh?   BestBoyHiram - Those hags sought to, to... TO BREED MY HOUSE LIKE HORSES... Apologies, when I think what was the end goal of their conspiracy, I just...   OrochiKlaus - I still have problems believing it myself, to be honest. To think this kind of unadulterated madness had brewed in this backwater. To clarify, their end goal was, if I am gathering that right, to usher in a marriage reform that would forcibly match anyone of age with the "most appropriate" match as selected by the crones in question or their disciples. Starting from the queen and ending with peasants. They sought to control every marriage ever granted in Kraut, to make it mandatory and to pick the partners in every single one. There are no words to express just how impossibly and pointlessly evil this is, especially considering that the way they evaluated marriage was directly tied to how much beatings were handed from one spouse to another. More was considered better, to be clear. Lunacy, pure gibbering lunacy no matter how I look at it.   MalachiTheWise - Good gods. Yeah, I'd take a literal hammer and chisel to a head that rotten.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - One good thing I can report about that is that we are unlikely to face anyone else using this. The spell relies on having... considerably altered physiology. The medium is sound and barring certain songbirds, no other being can make all the range of sound required to effect this. I would tentatively describe the sound as a droning shriek, but this is third-hand knowledge from the witnesses and I will not be permitting any of my people to hear it if at all possible.   OrochiKlaus - Altered physiology, huh?   TallAndCurvyAnneMarie - Lady Gillespie did mention having done body alterations on herself in several different situations. For example, she does not use sniffer spells at all, she altered her nose to be naturally as perceptive as that of a hound. My own observations of her moving in the dark suggest her eyes are similarly enhanced, as well as her sense of balance. Darkness, smoke, fog - none of that seems to be particularly impeding to her and she can walk over the unstable rubble as graciously as over the paved road. She also dips into haste spells with ease that beggars belief. In my educated opinion, when it comes to physical violence, Alyssa Gillespie's capability is equal to that of an elder vampire, possibly even above one. Should you find yourself in a spar with her, my best advice is to sit down, put your hands behind your head and loudly concede immediately.   OrochiKlaus - All that and she still retains all the appearances of a young maiden? Beyond impressive. A perfect predator, that one.   MalachiTheWise - *chuckles* She has been known to parley with her fists in the academy, occasionally. Once is enough for everyone so far.   BestBoyHiram - *facepalms* I have witnessed a few of these interactions myself, yes. Suffice to say, she does not suffer fools and does not hold back on beating the sense into people if they give her a cause to. While we are at it, is this true that she had taken up tutoring squire McGregor in her spare time? I have seen him with a hammer akin to hers just before the winter break.   MalachiTheWise - Not really. More like, squire McGregor happens to be one of the men she counts as friends, and his yen for martial implements is no secret in the academy, so lady Gillespie decided to give him a present of assorted exotic weaponry as a Years Unending present. I am more interested in the crossbow he received, myself. According to his fellows, one shot brought down a bear. Granted, it was a good shot and the bolt entered through the ear, but still... felling a bear with one strike, no matter how well aimed, is remarkable. Now couple this with the size sufficiently compact to be carried and reloaded on horseback... Aw, don't look at me like this. It is on sale, after all. Look in the hunting implements section. A little pricy, but some of my men believe the cost is well worth it.   OrochiKlaus - And that is another groundbreaking thing. This... ability to just place an order for anything she sells through the tablet? Merchants will be all over this, no question about it.   BestBoyHiram - Merchants, nothing. I am all over this. And... other things. Sir Malachi, since we are on the topic, can I ask of you to convey to his highness Abraham that I desire to have a discussion about the newspaper? Specifically, what would it take to obtain the machinery and instruction to run our own? The sheer utility of having a broadsheet accessible to the general populace is hard to overstate.   MalachiTheWise - *sucks on a molar* That's a pretty big ask, your excellency. Probably not until spring, we are still in the process of training up our own people on all of that. Just as well, machinery is quite hefty and it would be easier once the train runs through Ashenvale. On the other hand, that gives you enough time to find people glib with quill and apt with collecting stories.   BestBoyHiram - I understand. Very well. Does anyone else have any observations or factoids they deem fit to share?   OrochiKlaus - I have something. Lady Gillespie has a debilitating effect on seers. Any events that involve her become increasingly obscured from any form of seer ability. The closer she is involved, the worse the effect is. No one can predict her, obviously. Seers I have talked to describe her as "radiance of the void", "sol niger" and most alarmingly "the thing that should not be". I am hesitant to speculate in the absence of better facts, but there is a possibility that whatever lady Gillespie had done to herself had partially or fully invalidated her as a mortal being henceforth.   LewdAndCannyFalstaff - All hail the eternal queen of Thousand Isles, then?   BestBoyHiram - Be that as it may, I choose to view it as an assurance that her plans do revolve around long-time prosperity. If we are smart about this, everyone will get a slice of this pie. And so will their children and grandchildren. A future to rely on.