How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 327: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

It was a galleon, huge and imposing. It sat in the water like Jabba the Hutt, and our little sloop was its slave princess. Three masts, and plenty of men on deck, in the rigging, all frozen in place.

It was easily as big as the large cargo ships back at the dock. Perhaps it was also a cargo ship that just happened to be passing by and saw us. Maybe it was a pirate ship that plundered cargo ships.

No sign of a Jolly Roger, though. Did pirates really fly those? Seems very sporting of them to let you know they were about to fuck you up.

Mind you, if they were here to plunder, it would be pretty obvious to them that our dinky little cutter wasnt going to be carrying much cargo. I hadnt really thought about it, but I didnt actually know what our ship was used for when it wasnt ferrying people to their deaths. Why would the Shriners need a small, fast ship?

A question for another day, assuming there would be one.

I floated out over the unmoving waves. There was no sound when I was in the adjacent world, which added to the unreal quality of it, but also made it easier to accept. I preferred the silence to be honest. Life, Ive always thought, is someone playing a song on the radio you dont like, and when they see you dont like it, they turn up the volume.

The islanders watched me go without even saying goodbye. Theres no excuse for poor manners.

My ship was alongside the new one, which was blocking the exit like a possessive boyfriend. Where are you going? Not dressed like that you arent.

On the deck I spied Damicar his outline was the easiest to recognise and Royn. The Captain was up by the steering wheel, together with another man. He had a similar build to the captains. Big boned.

As I grew nearer, I noticed there were quite a few men on deck who I didnt recognise. Of course, the big difference between the crew of the EternalInfinite and these new arrivals were the vines. My crew had very few, the new guys had loads. Which meant they werent Shriners. And, it also meant I could try out my new sword on them.

That might sound a bit harsh. Just because I didnt know these people, didnt mean it was okay to do something to them that might irreversibly change their lives for the worse. I dont want anyone to think I didnt consider the ramifications of my actions, but having weighed the pros and cons pros, I find out if my magic sword works; cons, something annoying for them that theyd have no way of knowing was due to me I thoughtfully concluded I could live with it.

My more pressing concern was that I couldnt see myself. I had been standing at the rail, looking at the island, when I decided to pop over for a visit. I was no longer where Id left myself.

Was I too late? Had they tossed me overboard and watched me float away? Which raised another question. What happened if I was out of my body when it got killed? Could it even be killed when I wasnt home? It was all a lot simpler when everything went into stasis mode during my absence.

Fortunately, as I reached the ship, I spotted myself. I was no longer with Damicar and Royn, I was over by the captain and his guest.

My position between the two big men had shielded me from view as I approached, but now that I was close enough, I could see the three of us clearly. I had my hands on my hips and a large idiotic smile on my face. What the fuck was going on here?

Captain Somyas expression was as grim as ever, but he seemed at ease. The other man had an aristocratic face aquiline nose, high forehead and didnt come across like a thug. Which meant exactly nothing. He was dressed in similarly fancy gear to the captain, all brass buttons and fancy cuffs. The captain of the other ship?

If they were old buddies, maybe things werent so bad. Then again, Id seen enough movies where the two main characters were friends and deep rivals, happy to have a drink together, and then ready to kick the shit out of each other. Its how I think true men are supposed to act shaking hands, asking after each others families, then walking ten paces in opposite directions, turning and shooting.

You know what stopped that kind of masculinity from being the way men behaved? The pill and antibiotics. Suddenly sex was free of consequences. No kids, no weeping sores. Im not sure which was considered worse (although I can guess), but neither was a deterrent anymore. Whos got time for challenging people to duels when you can go blow your load instead?

Ruined us, it did. The sexual revolution turned men with a need to vent their pent-up desires through random acts of violence, into men like me. I dont think anyone can see that as a win, for either side.

Before I ventured any further to discover how my body had moved when I hadnt been at the controls, I wanted to try my new sword out.

There was a man standing between Damicar and Royn, arms crossed. Not a member of the crew, judging by the vines sprouting from him, although he was otherwise similarly kitted out. A sailor, and one who carried a short sword stuffed into his belt.

The man was stocky and had a tough look about him, but his weapon wasnt drawn, and he looked a bit bored. Damicars mouth was slightly ajar, so he may have been in the middle of explaining how to make a proper Hollandaise sauce.

I floated behind the sailor, and took a swing with my sword, aiming for one of the larger vines that went from one of his buttocks, back to the ship. What did the vine represent? I had no idea. It was a yellow colour and about as thick as my upper arm (so not very thick). My swords blade cut into it, slicing it clean off in one strike.

Success! It worked even better than the wooden sword. No resistance at all.

I held up the sword and gave it a good look. There wasnt a mark on it. I had just made a giant leap forward in my quest to not have to do any quests.

The shield was harder to figure out. I didnt even know how to test it. But I wasnt too worried. It would probably reveal itself at some point. And even if it didnt, a portable object to hide behind was clearly a good item to have.

I swung the sword again, using the shield to block an imaginary foe. I had no idea what I was doing, and Im sure I looked a complete pillock, but having decent gear for once was enough to make me not care.

The guy with the bum vine had a sorry-looking gap in his vines now, like hed slipped while shaving and cut a chunk out of his beard. I quickly set about making the rest of him equally naked, vine-wise. It took a few seconds.

Then I had a good look at his face and clothing so I would remember him. I wanted to see how he acted without any vines. If I wanted to use my powers effectively, I had to start working out what different effects I could achieve. Id start with the close-shave all over. I was also interested in how soon they grew back, assuming they did.

Once Id finished setting up my little experiment, I moved over to my body. The first thing I wanted to do was have a word with the people Id left Colin-sitting.

I re-entered my body and found myself in the usual dark place, cosy furniture now around a coffee table. Had they been having tea and biscuits while I was gone?

Wesley was sitting in her comfy chair, reading under a lamp. Where had she got a book from?

Oh, youre back, she said, smiling. Any sign of Arthur?

No, I didnt see anyone. But I found these. I held up my acquisitions. Do you recognise them?

She stood up to get a better look. Cant say that I do. Very nice, though. Where did you find them? I explained how Id come across the sword and shield. Sounds like you went in the back entrance by mistake.

I know what youre thinking, and stop it.

I hadnt checked all the way around the shrine. If a path leads up to a door, you expect it to be the way in. That was a terrible excuse for not taking a better look. There might have been all sorts of goodies round the front. The truth was, Id been so excited by my loot, I wanted to come rushing back to show them off.

And then I came back to find wed been made some bigger ships bitch, I said.

Wesley gave me a disapproving look for cursing. Yes, time stopped when you left, then restarted, when you entered the shrine. Everyone came back to life, so I thought it would be best to take over the controls for a bit. I hope you dont mind.

You pretended to be me? I asked.

Thats right, said Wesley. It was quite fun, actually. I put on a bit of a show.

That sounded awful. I turned to my littler-self, sitting on the far end of the sofa. What did she do?

Dont worry, she was very popular with everyone. Much more than you ever were.

Great, now the crew would be forever wondering what happened to the fun-Colin. It was like when you have that one great time with a girl, and you can never recapture it, and she stays with you for years, waiting for that guy to reappear, never realising you were off your tits on MDMA that night, and depleted you dopamine stores so heavily you lost the ability to experience happiness for the rest of your life. Thats the thing with drugs. It isnt about how good it feels to be high, its how shit it makes the rest of your existence feel by comparison.

And when did the ship turn up?

Dunno, said Little Me. It snuck up on us.

How does a massive boat sneak up on you from the open sea? Does it hide behind a wave and glide in on the tide when youve got your back turned?

Was there fighting? I asked.

Oh, no, said Wesley. They all seemed to know each other. Captain Edman, hes the man in charge. Very friendly. From what I gather, hes part of another guild. They heard about us coming here, and they wanted to see what we were up to.

Which guild is he from?

The War Guild, said Little Me.

They have a War Guild?

Yes, said Wesley. But they dont get to do much fighting, mainly its construction and engineering. They get quite bored, by all accounts. Hence their trip out here. I think they thought there might be a battle.

Does he have cannons on his ship? If he could blow up the beach from here, that would be a terrible massacre of defenceless people, but on the upside, it would save me a lot of time.

I doubt it. Peter and Arthur were both very keen to make sure no one introduced gunpowder to this world. Anytime someone suggested it, they rapidly had their mind changed.

Yes, no point having magic powers if regular people could counter it with a bullet to the head.

Will they fight the islanders with us? I asked, meaning for us. That would keep the islanders busy. I was quite keen on getting back to the shrine and seeing what the front was like. I wanted Wesley with me this time, which meant taking my body.

No, I dont think they wanted to participate, said Wesley. I think they were hoping to watch. Im not entirely sure, everything stopped again before he had a chance to fully explain why he was here.

Made sense. Watch the mindless slaughter, put a few bets down on who you thought would last the longest, winner buys the drinks when you get home. Nice little break from the monotony of life on the waves.

At least it wasnt some violent attempt to take over the ship, although I suppose that was unlikely since we were an official Shriner vessel. The Golden God was still a name to be feared. And here was me, gods spokesperson.

I returned to my body and was struck by the noise. The waves, the creaking of ships, the sounds of voices calling to each other. Also, my cheeks hurt from all the smiling Wesley had had me doing.

I noticed the sword in my belt. A wooden sword. The shield was also now made of wood, simple planks nailed together.

A little disappointing, but it wasnt like I wasnt prepared for something like this. I still had use of them in the adjacent world; and in this world, people would see me rocking the kid knights set, and probably think I was simple in the head. Better not fight the poor guy, what he has might be catching.

Every crisis an opportunity.

Good, good, said Captain Edman. Now, Somya, what about this treasure Ive heard youre hunting? Youll be sharing it with the other guilds, eh? He had a big friendly voice full of venom.

Somyas face showed no emotion, which was one of the advantages of being dead. What treasure?

Edman glanced over at me. Why, hasnt he told you? The unification treaty, of course.

There was only one person Id mentioned that lie to, so at least I knew where the leak was. I looked over at Royn and noticed he was looking a bit upset at the man next to him who had burst into tears. Okay, cut off all the vines, clinical depression. Bit of a long-term form of attack.

Now, come on, Somya. Were all followers of the Golden God here. We can work together cant we? He gave me an ingratiating smile.

If he wanted in, that was fine by me. He may not have come here to fight, but a man of god has to answer his lords call. And heaven wanted him leading the charge.

Captain, I said, Im on a mission from god. You would be very welcome to join us.

You mean going ashore? Oh, thank you, no. Haha, no, no. No thank you. I prefer to keep my flesh attached to my bones.

The thought of unimaginable treasure doesnt tempt you? I asked.

Not as much as the thought of the unimaginable terror of being eaten alive. Its alright for a skinny lad like you, theyd probably stick you in some hot water to make a little broth. Theyd probably take me captive and eat me over several days. If they keep me alive it stops the meat from spoiling. His eyes bulged and his had shook from side to side.

He painted quite the picture, but he just made me think hed be an even better distraction than Id thought. If I could get Damicar to slip a few herbs and spices in his pockets, the islanders wouldnt be able to resist.

I just needed to convince him to take his men onto the island. But he was happy to wait here and see what we came back with. And then nick it off us, probably. I was about to put my vast intellect to work on coming up with a sneaky way to get him to do my bidding, when the Fire Nation attacked. Or rather, flaming spears hit both ships at the same time.

They must have been coated in something, because everything caught fire. Sailors ran around trying to put the fires out by throwing buckets of water around, but that only made it worse. The water was like oil to these flames.

More spears came from the shore. The islanders were fed up waiting for their takeout delivery to arrive. No tip for us.

Most of the flaming spears whooshed by us, aimed at the bigger ship. We couldnt get clear because there was a giant frigate in the way, and they couldnt move because they were big and heavy, and had the turning circle of an oil tanker.

Cries of Abandon ship! went up.

What do we do? shouted Captain Edman, not so suave now. Where can we go?

Where else was there to go? The island awaited.